Turns Out, I Have Several Months To Live (Adios TLR Edition)
It was December the third, 2006 and I was going through the most excruciating of times in my college career; 5 papers, 3 exams, 2 projects (upper level bullshiit courses) and so much mental fatigue, it looked like my brain was wearing army gear (during the course of those last two weeks of school, I must had purchased roughly 30 plus cans of energy drinks and various caffeinated drinks alike). As a matter of fact, I got so engulfed in my studies, that I damn near forgot that it was my 24th birthday.
I was surprised that I had lived to see this many years in my life, as if I assumed that an early death would have been something I foresaw in my adolescent years (why I had that notion at an early age is definitely a mystery that still boggles my mind to this very day). But all was good when my room mates and I had finally wrapped up our long, arduous 4 month long semester. In addition, my alright of a buddy (syke, he’s my bestest friend) had a commencement ceremony to partake in accordance to his exit from college (them shiits is boring as hell though… until mines that is).
2 Days after the commencement, I began feeling sharp pains in my chest area, and my heart beat was out of sync and out of rhythm. The next day, I was feeling nauseous, lethargic and experiencing shortness of breath. I passed it off as perhaps, the many years of living without the affection of another’s soul; maybe the pains were caused by heartache and not being in love. So I decided not to go to the doctor and kept it moving.
With each successive day, I noticed that the intensity of the pains was hitting harder and harder, although intermittent, never got better. At this point, I wanted to set out & seek for love and thought that maybe that empty feeling inside and the pains associated with it, were triggered by an intimate-less lifestyle (how naïve of me to have thought so). They say that humor can cure any disease, and with laughter, you can turn ones most life-threatening ailment and treat it with ease (hypothetically speaking, of course).
Well, I make myself laugh every single day, and my condition wasn’t descending, so that treatment (and theory) was out of the question. And the thought of me forcing love on myself and the fact that I’m a misogynist? Don’t kid yourself, I won’t ever settle with sharing my time with a woman, not in this day in age and not with the attitudes these broads possess, um um, no way. I would rather die. So my next best bet? Going back to Seattle to see my family doctor (I was headed home anyway, it was my boy’s graduation party… I had a couple of drinks :P).
It was annual check up time and thank jabeesuz, I was still on my parents health insurance (I decided to go because I haven’t had a physical since high school). It would also be the mark of my last annual check up on my parents plan because at 25, I’m cut off like umbilical cord, so why not go take advantage of it. (Typically, going to the doc is something I dread, especially when it’s in a form of a physical examination. The thought of somebody cuffing my balls makes me cringe. I mean, it’s bad enough that I can’t have an athletic supporter touching my nether regions; much less some dude that I have never met named Doctor Ezikeil.) And I’m glad I went, because little did I know that this would prove to be the most important trip I would take to the doctor. Like… EVAR!!
When I got to the doc’s office, I immediately told him about the pains in my chest and the abnormally fluctuating heart patterns I’ve been encountering. After sitting down with the doc and reviewing me and my family’s past health history, it eventually got down to the nitty gritty. He inquired about my diet, lifestyle and meds/supplements I was taking and even gave me a diagnostic test to see if I was at risk for anything severe. He came to the conclusion that I had heart palpitations which were stemmed by over-exercising, consuming large doses of caffeine in short stints and taking weight loss pills (I was doing all this simultaneously, but I had no idea that I was putting so much stress on my heart.).
He also commented on the sharp pains in my chest and hard-pounding heart sessions I was suffering was due to, get this… chronic heart disease. Heart Disease at 24?!?!?!, oh hell naw baby dolls. Disbelief was my first reaction, and I thought to myself that there was nobody in my immediate family with a history of such illness. And then it hit me. Anyone who knows me very well, knows that I had 1 older sister and 2 younger brothers that never made it past their first month after being conceived. Their deaths were due to heart failure. Now that I think about it, that whole idea of me dying at an early age when I was younger was just my subconscious talking to me; I wasn’t supposed to live past my first birthday.
So I retell to the Doc about my past siblings and their conditions (R.I.P.) and it basically assured the dampening status of my health; he told me that it was more likely a hereditary ordeal and not just from my activities and late night energy drink binges (thank god, have you ever had Red Bull Float? Make sure it’s Breyers ice cream though, the texture of all natural ice cream makes me drool!! It’s so good when it hits your lips.).
But what he was about to tell me, GEE OH DEE forbid, I was not ready for. I was going to die by the end of the year. “Is treatment available for this sort of disorder?” He stated that even early detection would not prevent a premature death. I was doomed from birth. I was definitely perturbed about it, how could the doctors have not seen this when I was still an infant? Perhaps it is a lonely soul without love could make your heart turn sour… and fail on you like cheap batteries on a walkman. Speaking of which, why do people still have CD players? Isn’t this the age of portable, savvy-looking mp3 players that hold your entire Michael Bolton collection and then some? I guess that’s where the whole “retro-trends” movement comes into play. Hum…
After hearing that I would not live to see my next birthday, a series of my life’s events began to flash right before my eyes (I know, how cliché, but it’s fitting). From the very first picture I took back in the projects (the scenario is as clear on my mind as the sunny day in which the photograph was taken) to the last time my mom breast fed me the night before senior prom. And from that moment on, I knew that if I died that day, that everything I did in my life would be enough to where I could lay to rest contently (well, I would have loved to have loved and consummated my higher learning practices, but oh well, shiit happens).
Since the day I received I got word on my condition, I made a hefty effort to not tell anyone because of the burden attached with revealing something of this magnitude; I mentioned it to nobody, not even my parents. Now, I try to make the most out of whatever is left of my days, witnessing my final moments of existence and having fun (then realizing that I’m going to die in a matter of months if pretty damn depressing), so I spend most of my days cherishing every moment with friends and family and sniffing my dogs butt.
Shiit, it’s easy for me to die, I don’t have a problem being gone, but it’s the idea of a mother having to see her seed cease to exist before she kicks the bucket… now that is a feeling of grief and sorrow that I will take with me to my grave.
I’m sorry momma, I’ma do as much as I can before I go. Even though you had dreams of me being a doctor, lawyer or engineer, I always wanted you to be proud of your only son. And even if my clothes aren’t dirty when I’m not here, it would be nice for you to do my laundry every once in a while (you know how I love to stay fresh). I love you mom. See you when you join me.
I don’t want to leave, but I gotta go…
*sighs*
This really puts a damper on my weekend writing this. I’ll probably whip out the old trusty CD player of mines to make up for the state of anguish I’m in. At least I could die knowing that I did something popular culture could have sided with (at the time) before I perished.
P.S. And the adage, "It's better to have loved than to have never loved at all" doesn't sound any more fitting than right now.
I hear that a lonely soul has a very difficult time finding peace in the afterlife. Agony and distraught tend to chase you for eternity.
Hum... it's nothing that i'm not accustomed to. I've been hurting since i departed my mothers womb (they said my heart was weak back then too, an incubator was my first home... i was alone in there for 6 months.)
But hey, as they say...
Born alone, die alone.
Out.
__________________
*Narrator from Thug Workout videotape*
"Look mothafukkas, instead of using a gawtdamned treadmill, tie a few steaks to your Carhart pants and have rockweilers chase you down the block for an hour."
to the last time my mom breast fed me the night before senior prom. .
damn nygga if you aint joking you mad underrated for comedy on this fourm, one of my fav posters and I hate everybody... BUT if you joking and just wanted to see what people say, or your internet was getting cut off or was moving somewhere with no net connection, then really die slow son!
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by UdLuvMe
oh yea...thats lordhejusttrife. i dont count him cause he hates on everyone.
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Originally Posted by consistent queefs
i was like "who the fukk is that??" i didn't really expect a response.he's a mean one..but i still sent that PM
damn nygga if you aint joking you mad underrated for comedy on this fourm, one of my fav posters and I hate everybody... BUT if you joking and just wanted to see what people say, or your internet was getting cut off or was moving somewhere with no net connection, then really die slow son!
ok, someone else said what I was thinking. especially since his avi says "shock value." are these "months to live" a metaphor for something else?
This is so sad....but don't just give up! Lots of people get told by doctors that they will not live the next year and they live for 10+ more years...some of them still alive today. So don't just accept it. Of course live your days to the fullest...we all should be doing that. But don't just give up the fight. I'll be praying for you...but no doctor can tell you when you're gonna die...so don't give up on life!
Damn. I actually read the whole thing. So sorry to hear about that. But like YHG said, don't give up hope yet. Stay strong. And I won't lie, I'll really miss your posts the day you're no longer on here.
Edit: Sometimes I wish I wasn't as slow. If this was fake, it wasn't cool man.
__________________ Team Ebony
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Originally Posted by sh0t 9 times
Ladies: Any of you ever caught the bowkay at a wedding????
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Turns Out, I Have Several Months To Live (Adios TLR Edition)
R.I.P
Damn, man. You'll be in my prayers.
And I won't lie, I'll really miss your posts the day you're no longer on here.
