I dropped this in the Writing Challenge thread, but I'd like a bit more feedback on it...
Thanks for checkin...
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They told me I would go blind, so I stopped looking at the sun & stepped out of its path & quietly slipped into darkness.
They told me I would go blind, so I stopped looking at the sun & quietly slipped into darkness & wandered into life’s traffic.
They told me I would go blind, so I stopped looking at the sun & wandered into life’s traffic & quickly left the son behind. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Fight for this son that rose when I rose, & set when I set? Was I to languish in life or let this get me down? Afterall, they made it clear, my presence was no longer a present & they would no longer be present at their now former residence.
They told me I would go blind, so I stopped looking at my sun. Surely he would seek me out when he was older. We would sit & talk & I would stare & walk into his rays, awestruck at his warm touch & astonished at how much he looked just like me…from his eyes to his nose, his hands to his toes, a perfect reflection of me as if I stared into the sun. Our days apart would only serve to make his love for me shine brighter.
And I would wait for that day, when we would hold hands & walk on sands that knew no time.
And I…
Would tell of birthdays when I’d celebrate anyway, knowing that somewhere, out-there, on a
Sonday,
Or a Monday,
A tear was rolling down a cheek that looked just like mine & I cried a tear too. At least at first I did.
But then Monday turned to Tuesday & 1972 turned into 1973 & 1992 turned into 1993 & you’ve turned…
10?? 11???
20?? 21????
No you can’t be 21, you’re just a baby sun. Those long days with no rays turned to long years with no more tears & what day were you born??
It’s been so long & this is so wrong, but you were supposed to seek me out so I could
Teach you the ways & we would talk through the night & spend days soaking up the rays of sunshine & My Son would shine for me.
For My Son rose when I rose & set when I set & I only left because they told me I would go blind so I stopped looking at MY SON.
And as my son grew older, his heart grew colder, and his thoughts of 'we' didn’t include me anymore.
And..
while I dreamed of long walks on sands that knew no time, he only thought of me at times & those quickly passed, & I was part of his past and…
His hourglass knew time…
I started to panic.
My son was now a man & this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. How had I missed those days, like his first date, or when he started to shave…I had a plan.
I should have had a plan B…
I start to think of the times I’d missed & a tear rolled down my cheek that looked just like his…
32 years later & I’m blind. For years I convinced myself that I had tried…but reality reared it’s ugly head long ago.
I no longer dream of moonlit nights & Son-kissed days…
Or walks on beaches with sands that know no time.
No, I dream of feeling my Sons rays on my face one last time before my hourglass runs out…I reach out, only to touch darkness. I cry out, but there is no answer. My Son has set.
They told me I would go blind, so I stopped looking at the sun & stepped out of its path, quietly slipped into darkness & wandered into life’s traffic a lonely, tired, old, blind, fool…
AYO - First of all let me say that I'm no expert in this field,but the length of this piece to me didn't match the interest level. I mean if I read something of this length I expect it to peek my interest so much that I don't want it to end. Your wandering in and out of the sun & son word play kind of lost me a bit. Sometimes a little fat trimming is needed, I got your point but it's like you ( now no offense intended by this) made a short story long if you will. It would be a much better read I feel if you downsized some. Now I'm no expert like I said earlier but that is what I got from your piece. I felt what you were trying to convey though and big ups on the idea. But if you feel you piece is fine than so be it. This is not a slam on your piece by the way, just a thought from one strugglin' poem writer to another my brother peace!!
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[[b]FONT=Century Gothic] My lines hit 'em
Like snake venum - h.j.
my first attempt at this (from previous thread)...
"They told me I would go blind, so I stopped looking at the sun..."
I believed them when they said that I could never be number one
Like a good little girl I accepted the status quo
Got in line to join the ranks of those that had just accepted ‘no’
The next years I spent focused on the ground beneath me
And it was during that time that I truly learned to see
I embraced the garbage that littered society’s ditches
Learned about life’s disappointments from freshly slapped pimp’s *****es
Resourcefulness was my next lesson from the neighborhood crack head
Until then, I never knew that cardboard doubled as an umbrella and a bed
Ways to not repair a cracked ego were prevalent among the alcoholics
Crooked cops gave me the means to stave off the beatings by appearing to be bionic
Lying politicians showed me how to wage wars for my own financial gain
Heroin addicts highlighted the ways not to escape the pain.
You can never enjoy life’s beauty without knowing that which is foul
People never realize the schemes you hatch when all you present them is a scowl
It’s funny that those that doubt you never realize they are your true inspiration
Never bet that their hate could in no way equal your dedication
The day came when I rolled all my lessons into a resolve second to none
And when they told me I would go blind, I replied I was already the sun.
started a second one after seeing this thread upped (i'll finish later)
"They told me I would go blind, so I stopped looking at the sun..."
Informed me I would overload, so I halted my search of wisdom
Warned me I would suffer great injury, so I stopped running
Cautioned me of a broken heart, so I stopped loving
Said I would get wrinkles, so the laughing ended
Advised that I couldn’t do it, so my will bended
Then they made the mistake of telling me they had won.
Basked in their perceived victory and how it came to be done
Sought comfort in what that mistook for their own cunning
Took for granted that I would allow them to be my undoing
Believed that their insults were what kept my insecurities funded
Assumed that my seemingly weak smile illustrated a warrior wounded.
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what i have learned:
most can only be trusted to give you exactly what they are trying to hide, insecurties are thinly vieled if you know what to look for and blessings are the simplest parts of peoples lives
Of all the things I've seen you post on this site (regardless of the forum)
This is my favorite...
I liked this the most outta everything else I read in the writing challenge
Initially when I read it I did feel that it need some re~structuring to make it easy on the avg. reader to follow but I get exactly where you're going with it
And
I'd like to see more of your stuff
I wrote this in an attempt to deal with the emotions that I had regarding my Father, who walked out of my life when I was @ 6 & I have only spoken to him once since then, when my brother turned 18.
Today I got word in a twisted way that my father is on his deathbed...he won't last long & is not cognizant of anyone.
After all these emotions & re-reading this, I actually am pained learning that he's dying. I'm 33 now & have repeatedly said that I would never reconcile with him...now I feel like a selfish, childish brat...instead of finding him & talking to him about what/where/why, I chose to act like he was dead & now that he is dying, I'm sad that I was such an assh*le...
I wrote this in an attempt to deal with the emotions that I had regarding my Father, who walked out of my life when I was @ 6 & I have only spoken to him once since then, when my brother turned 18.
Today I got word in a twisted way that my father is on his deathbed...he won't last long & is not cognizant of anyone.
After all these emotions & re-reading this, I actually am pained learning that he's dying. I'm 33 now & have repeatedly said that I would never reconcile with him...now I feel like a selfish, childish brat...instead of finding him & talking to him about what/where/why, I chose to act like he was dead & now that he is dying, I'm sad that I was such an assh*le...
Damn...
Hey One Moe, i feel your pain bro, i lost my father a while back i and knew him even less than you knew or or know your pops. After i had become a young man i went to him for a favor it was the first and only time i did and he couldn't come thru and i never saw him again until his funeral. I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose to make. At my pops funeral there were no harsh feelings but also there were no tears. If you never got love from someone it's hard to give it, at least it was in my situation. I am truly sorry to hear about your pops though. peace hj
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[[b]FONT=Century Gothic] My lines hit 'em
Like snake venum - h.j.
Keep writing til you can't write no mo... you only improve with time.
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*Narrator from Thug Workout videotape*
"Look mothafukkas, instead of using a gawtdamned treadmill, tie a few steaks to your Carhart pants and have rockweilers chase you down the block for an hour."
Your use of alliteration really kept the piece flowing. It may have been lengthy but your use of repetition kept me interested.. and the way you interrelated the metaphor of the sun was on point.
The feelings you have are conveyed to the fullest in the piece. I felt you on many levels...
~one~
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".. beauty is not a need but an ecstacy.. a heart inflamed and a soul enchanted... beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.." - Kahlil Gibran
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They Told Me I Would Go Blind
Broad St. Bullies
