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theman080
02-05-08, 11:46 AM
There was a time, an era of wasted dreams
We were a step ahead of industries tasteless schemes
Of synergy , makin cream and bitterly bakin teams
Admittedly, we lost our step, how shallow we lived it
The age of cowards and henchmen but where valor existed
Salaries twisted on the revolver’s barrel were faults were narrow
Conversation through guns or haunted talks wit arrows
Were flaunted, lost in shadows, but I can recollect a bit
Collectin chips, were innocence was lost in the bettin bin
Some say an era of savagery, but actually that’s whack to me
It was the dominion of courage, stewardship and action sprees
Walkin on the fastest street, parlors and haberdasheries
My six shot attached to me, and no one there was fast as me
Starin down the avenue’s works, the happenings, wagons & clerks
Fastening stock rapidly before the sun was sapped from its perch
The brilliant sky deserved its title wasn’t polluted to little smarts
It burned recitals, turn its cycle to heighten wit fizzled sparks
Seemed to riddle sharks, to shorten an already midget temper
And my temperature was sizzling when it hit me in mid-September
I grabbed my pair of irons which Wyatt was quick to censor
But he and Doc were gone, so “so long to that *****’s tenure”
A new sheriff was in town I told my Pap the night before
Any second guessers could meet at the bar, when they leave
They might be sure, it seemed to be in the stars
I kicked the swinging gate open, inhaled the tobacco stench
The singing remained potent thanks to that hammered whench
Her hubby danced with a ***got step, the wood creaked wit good speech
“Any challengers have their best? Suggest leave if bush-league!”
Some heads twisted to spot me, others just glanced & asked for liquor
Although in a fist-fight they could top me, just ask whose hands’re quicker
“Why you killin a good time? Someone get this man a pitcher!”
“I want it known there’s a new sheriff in town, you stare at him now
Anyone wanna go round for round you see I’m wearin the pound.”
My hands on the crown, already feelin victory’s tender tongue
Ready to continue this verbal ravishing and enter my deadly run
The realm of the wicked, Im enveloped, developed wit stealth quickness
Once a decent hombre, now I wanna see cerebellums deshelved, twitchin
On the pavement my swelled sickness, recipes from hell’s kitchen
“That’s just as well *****es, none of you are man enough to draw”
“That’s the last straw!” It was my pa, standing with his hand on his hammer
“The man of the hour, Ill take you on to see who lands as a coward”
The regulars rooted rapidly for my dad, my momentum tried to abandon me
“No choice is what your handin me, lets head outside with our straps”
I pushed past the door, emotions cluttered, in over his head
Oceans under, but a call is a call, so now we’re throwin the lead
We each took ten paces, pure silence when holding court with the reaper
I’ll torture the teacher, embarrass me? Now his fortune is weaker
Corpsin this creature, no longer my father from the second he bothered
To step to me awkward, actin out of place, guessin he’d conquer
“Say when.” I spoke ready to blast embers wit deft precision
Enter my dad as a cast member to heaven’s fiction
“When,” He muttered out a in a strained croak
Got his hand on his stained colt, but I hit his wrist wit a flamed bolt
The crowd gasped, as blood tracked from the hole in his arm
Detached his tough mask, kicked his gun fast, was strollin calm
“You made a mistake bud, put the barrel in his mouth and tugged
Mercy? His eyes pleaded for some, indeed he was stammering for the love
But I pulled the trigger, he’s a feast for the saprotroph in the mud
“There’s a new sheriff in town,” Ahh, the words ring clear and Im thankin
There once was a day, an hour for men that has since vanquished

W.I.Z.E.
02-12-08, 08:00 PM
The brilliant sky deserved its title wasn’t polluted to little smarts


I kicked the swinging gate open, inhaled the tobacco stench
The singing remained potent thanks to that hammered whench

Some heads twisted to spot me, others just glanced & asked for liquor
Although in a fist-fight they could top me, just ask whose hands’re quicker
“Why you killin a good time? Someone get this man a pitcher!”
“I want it known there’s a new sheriff in town, you stare at him now

....The realm of the wicked, Im enveloped, developed wit stealth quickness
Once a decent hombre, now I wanna see cerebellums deshelved, twitchin
On the pavement my swelled sickness, recipes from hell’s kitchen
WOW!!!!!

We each took ten paces, pure silence when holding court with the reaper
I’ll torture the teacher, embarrass me? Now his fortune is weaker
Corpsin this creature, no longer my father from the second he bothered
To step to me awkward, actin out of place, guessin he’d conquer
“Say when.” I spoke ready to blast embers wit deft precision
Enter my dad as a cast member to heaven’s fiction
“When,” He muttered out a in a strained croak
Got his hand on his stained colt, but I hit his wrist wit a flamed bolt
WOW X 2


I'm impressed. I mean there's not much more for me to say. There was a lot to quote but I pointed out the spots that I liked the most. I won't get picky on this one about flow or subject cuz honestly for the most part this was one of the best posts I've seen on here in a minute. I've always said you got potential so it's good to see you experimenting and putting it too work.

I also like that you loosened up the flow towards the middle and weren't bound to your "more typical" rhyme scheme.

Overall very solid work man.

Sicilian Spit
02-13-08, 03:11 PM
This was cool. Hella long and hard to get into in the beginning. But the second half picked up. My only other beef is the last line didn't make since. I think it should have been vanished instead of vanquished

Cali_Bud
02-13-08, 03:30 PM
I wasn't really interested in the topic, but nevertheless this was a dope drop. A lot could be quoted so I won't point out specifics