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BreakCanon
09-24-07, 10:57 PM
Nicotine doldrums,
Hold the phone,
I’ve spent too many weary hours smoking a cigarette alone,
Been stoned across the line between civilization and madness,
Predilections towards the glass half empty mentality rust finish,
Sink, hook, line, and there goes the fish,
It takes all of my willpower to keep from scratching the itch,
It’s a *****; don’t confuse it with any paltry addiction,
This is a way of life paradigm, cemented by doublethink lies,
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve balked in the face of diligence,
I would have a half a dollar to spend on my own personal penance,
And my descendents will walk the Earth with my own scars upon their head,
Thus posing a problem for the tapestry weaver’s thread,
My efforts are now directed towards healing open wounds,
Sweeping brooms across the edifice to dust off the starving moon,
I howl, directing the sound towards the Earth’s bowels,
Speaking in third riddle, third poem, third the whining sound,
Of the worlds smallest fiddle aboard a ship which ran aground,
Keeping this up for minutes my brain begins to feel like mush,
Thank you much for the soliloquy,
Now time to board the train,
Rush.

Conundrum focus never leads to self-actualization,
Merely hell on earth tampered by bouts of frustration,
Take my word for it; spend your energies on the tangible,
Because common sense isn’t so common when it’s held by the mandibles…

Sicilian Spit
09-25-07, 02:17 AM
Hook was cool. Your vocab is good, but some of the sentences just still don't seem coherent to me. There are some rappers that pull this off, but to me this is missing many of the elements of hip-hop, it is more like slam poetry or something of the like. But I am all for innovation, so keep doin your thing.

BreakCanon
09-30-07, 06:16 PM
Thanks for the 'put Sic.

Anyone else? C'mon, I know there's someone willing to feed this.

Ecliptik
09-30-07, 11:55 PM
**** wasnt bad...was still a good read...but like sic said it was more of a poetry slam...

*shameless plug* peep "black out" and "dry prunes" (coming soon) *shameless plug*

Raw Spits
10-01-07, 10:39 AM
Your Lyrical IQ is pretty high fam....The flow tho is was very hard to catch

Overall pretty decent 7/10

EPHEBE
10-02-07, 02:03 AM
Love the concept. I think it will resonate with a lot of people. It abstract, but not too abstract. I fux wit it.