suicidial tendencies....

[Trojanman]

i copped some chinese food just now
i also had some fast food for how many days this week
burger king
nathans
buffalo wings
i guess i'm on my way to being a hospital patient
i'm putting weight even though i don't see it
maybe my heart is holding the weight
plus with my head, i think i can't see straight
i be hating myself
sh!t, i'm my own worst enemy
i be writing down my sh!t-all suicidal tenedencies
i'm f*cking around
i can't even help myself
that's why i be asking folks for help
20 years old
how many times do i have to write this
by now, you think i'd make myself lifeless
looking in myself in the mirror, i think i got the AIDS virus
i be hating my body, i'm so thin i look like a three year old
they say i feel sorry for myself
but i rather express it
then misdirect it into something else
i tried to be thuggish
to hide my anger and sadness
i just wanted to take out my madness
because i felt since my life wasn't sh!t, nobody elses should matter
but i was the wanna be, i was too sad to be that type of person
i guess its the hope in me
this was after my moments in the classroom
the times when i looked in the mirror, talking to myself in the bathroom
telling myself how the world should be even though i couldn't fix my own
i called call myself america, because i like telling others what to do
but i can't fix my home
but yo.. i used to be in the classroom 7th grade
crazy ass teacher telling me of what i'm not
for real... she would make me feel worst when my feelings dropped
then those memories of my past
when folks made me feel like trash
and the sh!t i did to myself
the folks around me just stood there instead of giving me help
i felt cheated
i'm still feel f*cking cheated
so i feel like cheating the whole world out of something i ain't get
but keep in mind while this is going on, there was still the kid in me
the one that jumped around, was holding on his mom legs
couldn't do sh!t to help himself
immaturity is the name for it
sh!t, look at me now, still immature
20 year old, folks say i look like a baby and think like one
i'm f*cking pathetic
so put those two together
and you'll see why i f*cking hate myself
i be looking for attention
and yo... i be feeling angry some f*cking times yo
i don't know what to do with myself
f*ck me

[energy]

Wildly unstructured.
Vividly raw and honest.
This was a grenade.
I hope you've begun to work through this man.
Best of luck to you, keep writing.

I applaud your honesty with yourself.


*edit - I went back and re-read this. I think I may have overshot my statement about the structure. This was mildly unstructured but had far more wordplay than I had noticed initially.

"and the sh!t i did to myself
the folks around me just stood there instead of giving me help" - there's the magic right there.