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MaCRonI
01-23-07, 02:26 AM
After a long day, I allow the mattress fabric to submerge my back/
My downcast eyelashes levy a heavy taxes on my eyelids as they bat/
So I give into my exhaust whims, and my mental dims into a dream state/
But as my imaginary thoughts circulate, my fantasy world begins quake/
And a dark realm took its place, an obscurity I tried scrutinized/
Suddenly petrified, as son feline define set of eyes in scab covered sky/
His entire body in disguise in roach like clouds crawl by, but where was I/
I soon recognized as magma melted my toenails into a gooey paste/
I saw a hooded figure walk toward me, a bony white gleaming on his face/
My heart began to pace, shreadin’ my pillow case as my sanity crinkled/
My comforter unraveled, my bed sheet entirely scattered and wrinkled/
Tossing side to side viciously, think I’d become a cadaver instantly/
A bubonic plague effect would onset physically if I was corroded mentally/
If I willingly allowed this nightmare to commence, the strain was immense/
As Goosebumps formed around my sweat vents, fearing my life to be swept/
Away in a single night, my third eyesight returns to cerebral plight/
Lucifer’s lair is charcoaling my hair, leapin’ fire engulfs my skeleton/
My nerves going psycho as my skin’s melanin is simmerin’ into gelatin/
Clumpin’ into mud than slithered off my body has heated fudge/
The shadowed figure brandished a sickle stained in mahogany blood/
I was frozen in fear, my feat stood in place like a gargoyle statue/
He began to dash towards me, I finally began to run but where to/
Before I knew, his sickle cut through, a finishing blow to my essence/
Everything turned grey, My eyes milky white like pearl necklace/
My mouth gapping in shock, barely escape my unconscious thought/
My hands shivering, feeling my face to make see if I’m alive or not/

Sleeps Thoreau
01-24-07, 12:48 PM
After a long day, I allow the mattress fabric to submerge my back/
My downcast eyelashes levy a heavy taxes on my eyelids as they bat/

-----this is a hot couplet but i question whether in can sink it without overextending the bar. but nice imagery


His entire body in disguise in roach like clouds crawl by

-----your analogy here about the roach like clouds was origional. nice. im feeling that


My nerves going psycho as my skin’s melanin is simmerin’ into gelatin/
Clumpin’ into mud than slithered off my body has heated fudge/
The shadowed figure brandished a sickle stained in mahogany blood/

-------here you exhibit how you are able to make your verses move. nice


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you definatelly have a gift. keep doing what u do and fukks with it in different mediums, from short story to poetry to rhyme
speed it up, slow it down
it dont matter
cause you have an eye for it and a sense for what works

MaCRonI
01-27-07, 11:12 PM
thanks, i'm lovin' the love.....