Dominion: Point Of Views

[#1rapper]

Yo what up, how was your date with what's her face
Ohh sue, it was good, you no i never fail
whats the case, you fucc her face or waist
dude, wait til you hear the details
Scene switch
Hey sue, how was ur night with josh
ugh, it was the worse date ever
hmm must of benn bad, no ecitment huh
no..and i dont wanna see his face forever
Scene switch
First we went to the movies, she was all over me
ha, good shyt, i thought she was like that
Now you no its me, i turned her into a hoe indeed
Your nice man, your walking a tight path
Scene switch
As soon as the previews started, he wanted to kiss
So...whats the big deal, didn't you like it
I wish, one peck from his lips and my stomach was sick
So thast it, one bad kiss cant be frightning
Scene switch
After the flick, we went to the point of rocks
haha..i know where its going from here
yeah i started pouring skotch, and the whore wouldnt stop
let me guess...you made the clothes disappear
scene switch
well after that, we went to the beach, and he wanted some action
Why the hell did you go if you hated his touch
Iono i felt lucky he asked me, trust me it wasn't lust and some passion
So did makeout or what, there, is that blatant enough
Well he was touching and grabbing, but according to him we had more to do
So what, your no slut, i no you sue
he kinda forced me to, there wan't much i could do
scene switch
She was wild! she didn't want me to stop
Your the man, iono how u got sue to fucc
Well i leanred some stuff from my popz
So i assume after the bust you put her ass in the truck
yeah i drove her home, and then finished my skotch
scene switch
i feel like the new hoe on the block
we gotta make him stop
Ughhh..lets go to the copz

[Sleeps Thoreau]

I like the alternation, that was proper.
I like the way the story turned out, its interesting
how it puts a microscope on 'points of view'

the rhyming throughout was good cause before it would
complete it would flip for the first line of the next scene to
finish the scheme
that was tight to me.
The only thing with the rhyming tho was u repeated words
pretty often throughout. But at least it kept the dialogue real

I'd give it
<> <> <>

[Midnite]

if originality is important, which it always is, and imagination are paramount, always is, then this piece is strong...

the constantly shifting perspectives was a very nice touch to telling your story, you did it in a far different way than i would've...changing perspective line by line, then splicing into a new scene without lingering too long in one particular interaction...

i agree, the dialog was pretty authentic, the repeated word usage didn't bother me, since you were aiming for a conversation between friends and not a vocab flex fest, lol

<><><>< (3.5)...i give ya points for originality in concept, flow was ok, but this was very creative and it told a pretty good story

[Invisible Vision]

I like the idea of this, but to me: this was the classic case of 'good theory - bad action' I don't blame you at all, because i've tried to do something similar, and i realized that the ABAB CDCD EFEF rhyme scheme doesn't sound right to me.

However, you did a good job of keeping the conversation natural without forcing it, and i definitely enjoyed the story (not enjoyed rape or whatever... but you know what i mean) It rang true to me cuz i had a friend get in a similar situation recently, so the feel of it was genuine....

I think the bottomline for me, was this is just a really tough way to write, and i give credit for the attempt and creativity....
<> <> < good work man, keep it up.

[yaga]

What up, #1. Let's dive right in, eh?

- - -

Yo what up, how was your date with what's her face
Ohh sue, it was good, you no i never fail
whats the case, you fucc her face or waist
dude, wait til you hear the details
Scene switch
Hey sue, how was ur night with josh
ugh, it was the worse date ever
hmm must of benn bad, no ecitment huh
no..and i dont wanna see his face forever

- The way you just brought the concept right off the bat is cool. The format with the colors isn't my thing, but it gets the point across i guess. Technically, seeing how you're the narrator everyone elses text should be in italics. But again, while we don't really subscribe to textbook technicalities here at SoHH, it'd be a good idea to draft something in the that format if you flip a concept like this again... just to see how it looks.

- Another thing is the single syllable rhymes. The way it's come off here is perfect. The back and forth between characters and narrator should be very conversational, without complexities. Good sh*t.

Scene switch
First we went to the movies, she was all over me
ha, good shyt, i thought she was like that
Now you [ no ]its me, i turned her into a hoe indeed
Your nice man, your walking a tight path

- I bolded the mispelling. No/Know.

- Quick note. That single syllable rhyming has now lost it's effect, but it's got more to do with each line being either too long or too short in syllables.

Scene switch
As soon as the previews started, he wanted to kiss
So...whats the big deal, didn't you like it
I wish, one peck from his lips and my stomach was sick
So thast it, one bad kiss cant be frightning

- Too short. Rhymes have gotten worse, rhyme scheme played itself out real quick, too. I would omit this entire stanza and insert it into one of the other stanzas. On the other hand, the TRUE (The female characters input) event in the storyline is left on it's own, which can be a powerful effect. If this is what you're trying to do, details, details, details...

Scene switch
After the flick, we went to the point of rocks
haha..i know where its going from here
yeah i started pouring skotch, and the whore wouldnt stop
let me guess...you made the clothes disappear

- it's Scotch, and these characters are young. Young folks drink Vodka, Henny, etc. When i was 14 or 17 i wasn't drinking whisky. F*ck hood YOU live in? lol, i know it seems stupid, but accurate details make the story that much real. If i'm wrong and these young cats have switched the game up, then i'll be damned they can drink.

scene switch
well after that, we went to the beach, and he wanted some action
Why the hell did you go if you hated his touch
Iono i felt lucky he asked me, trust me it wasn't lust and some passion
So did makeout or what, there, is that blatant enough
Well he was touching and grabbing, but according to him we had more to do
So what, your no slut, i no you sue
he kinda forced me to, there wan't much i could do

scene switch
She was wild! she didn't want me to stop
Your the man, iono how u got sue to fucc
Well i leanred some stuff from my popz
So i assume after the bust you put her ass in the truck
yeah i drove her home, and then finished my skotch
scene switch
i feel like the new hoe on the block
we gotta make him stop
Ughhh..lets go to the copz

- The actual story was great. And the set-up was great, too. I think the back and forth could be done a bit more "fun." You know? Granted the rhymes demand simplicity at some parts, but you can always f*ck with it a bit and add some depth to what the characters say... how they say certain things, etc. Also, when at the end he says "Let's go to the cops," i was sort of left uneasy... like there should have been more behind why they were going, you know? Like she may have broken down crying, and the narrator had to force some details or whatever... more dramatics would have helped a bit IMO. As i'm seeing grammatical errors, i'm thinking this is more of a draft than a final product, so cheers on sparking this piece, man. It's dope.

<><><><>

[IvIdividual]

Damn at the ending! Shorty let him hit but since her rep is on the line shes gonna take dude to the cops. Scandalous.

I had to read this a couple times to catch what was going on here. I thought it was rather clever. I imagined #1 having a couple different voices. Sorta like DMX (forget the name of the song) did or Jay-Z in 99 problems. This peice was lacking something though. All in all this was a very tuff scheme to make come across flowing and natural. So I give you kudos for that. And the way you ended the joint was some tru to life f'd up sh!t.

<><><>


IvI

[W.I.Z.E.]

I like the rhyme scheme and thought for the most part you pulled it off well there were some parts were it just didnt' seem to work.


well after that, we went to the beach, and he wanted some action
Why the hell did you go if you hated his touch
Iono i felt lucky he asked me, trust me it wasn't lust and some passion
So did makeout or what, there, is that blatant enough
Well he was touching and grabbing, but according to him we had more to do
So what, your no slut, i no you sue
he kinda forced me to, there wan't much i could do


In audio this may have come out better but here it just seemed off. THe story line was very good. BUT i feel like you rushed to an ending. It could have and should have been longer. Since it was short it may me feel like..damn..good story...good ending BUT I feel like I missed something.

In that regard this could EASILY be a three or four verse song. Lemme know if you wanna collab. LMAO.

But seriously.

<><><><