DOMINION: Interrogation

[theman080]

...hushed words begin to crystalize into structured statements dangling in the distance...

...upon their approach they gain volume, aimed at me and pull my rested chin off of my chest and my eyes identify the situation at hand...

"Wake up, you little azzhole, you been sleepin enough
Consider that I gift, because you really havent given us much
Take a look over there, thats whats gonna give us the truth..."
A steel tray decorated with needles and blades serves as the proof...
A stale light assaults my pupils, the lone spotlight in this basement
Highlighting the abrasions on my body & the tools that stand adjacent
The cuffs reveal themselves at my wrist, my legs are bound to this chair
I see the grimm reaper draped in black, I try to answer his stare
"Your man knows your situation, already conceded your death,
Really aint the friend that you thought, but we can get to him next
You wanna speak, then do it now, because there's no rescinding these steps
Your gonna wanna return each breath you ever met in a sec..."
Two men abandon their languid postions in the corners my sight cant reach
Making their way towards the tray...but still I just cant speak
My legs tighten under fears command, my eyes close, fists grip
The end of the chair...their footsteps stop...a quick slit
My skin parted on my forearm, my throat gets choked with a groan
The other jams a thick chrome blade in my thigh, and it lightens the tone
My screams jump at the roof of the basement, as he pulls the blade to my knee
Air dances at the tip of my nostrils, I have to struggle to trap a few
Its insufficient, and in a minute, my conscious passes through...


...the arid air is interupted by water's grace, splashes my head and slips and lines my face with clear streaks the run lines through the pervious mornings dirt, my chin reluctantly lifts from its position on my chest...

The Grim Reaper stands with a grin, a small blade in his hand
Specs of blood pattern the edge, seems to strengthen his stance
"It takes a man not to talk, now your the biggest man of us all..."
A slim gesture points to the tray, as my eyes take fall
No instuments of torture lie in wait, just a thick splatter of blood
And something I cant make out..."Sorry dun its your tongue..."
I meet panic's embrace, grip its feeling so tight
My eyes attempt to dive from my face, as the reaper beams in delight
My mouth stands a gape, distorted gasps trapped by the wallls
The grim reaper makes his exit, says something, then passes his stall
The door breaks its stance, swings some light in the quarters
Reveals the two goons in the room, wrestling their gun from its holster...


...I should've ratted, I should've ratted, I should've ratted, I should've-----

[In$ane $hane]

WOOO..good shyt!

well let me break it down

Flow was good,could of been better,some bars could of been put differently

Paints a good picture & story done very well(Hard to do..so alot of points on dat)


The Grim Reaper stands with a grin, a small blade in his hand
Specs of blood pattern the edge, seems to strengthen his stance
"It takes a man not to talk, now your the biggest man of us all..."
A slim gesture points to the tray, as my eyes take fall
No instuments of torture lie in wait, just a thick splatter of blood
And something I cant make out..."Sorry dun its your tongue..."
I meet panic's embrace, grip its feeling so tight
My eyes attempt to dive from my face, as the reaper beams in delight
My mouth stands a gape, distorted gasps trapped by the wallls
The grim reaper makes his exit, says something, then passes his stall
The door breaks its stance, swings some light in the quarters
Reveals the two goons in the room, wrestling their gun from its holster...

started very well & dats important,but dis ending part really sums it up & is wat i think is da best part(flow everything)

if this needed more of anything...it would be metaz,kinda weak on da side...overal dis gets a score of

<><><><>

I meet panic's embrace, grip its feeling so tight
My eyes attempt to dive from my face, as the reaper beams in delight
My mouth stands a gape, distorted gasps trapped by the wallls
The grim reaper makes his exit, says something, then passes his stall
The door breaks its stance, swings some light in the quarters
Reveals the two goons in the room, wrestling their gun from its holster...

^^^^Favorite part here ^^^^

[Sleeps Thoreau]

...hushed words begin to crystalize into structured statements dangling in the distance...

=======im really feeling the way u phrased this. it gave life to the sentence, your use of imagery.


...upon their approach they gain volume, aimed at me and pull my rested chin off of my chest and my eyes identify the situation at hand...

=======great imagery again. we have something like similar stylez as i like to play with the senses which arent so tactical and handle them as if tho they were objects.


"Wake up, you little azzhole, you been sleepin enough
Consider that I gift, because you really havent given us much
Take a look over there, thats whats gonna give us the truth..."
A steel tray decorated with needles and blades serves as the proof...

=======ill the way u put it in rhyme and again the imagery.. my head moved from the lips of who told that statemtn, over to the tray


A stale light assaults my pupils, the lone spotlight in this basement
Highlighting the abrasions on my body & the tools that stand adjacent
The cuffs reveal themselves at my wrist, my legs are bound to this chair
I see the grimm reaper draped in black, I try to answer his stare
"Your man knows your situation, already conceded your death,
Really aint the friend that you thought, but we can get to him next
You wanna speak, then do it now, because there's no rescinding these steps
Your gonna wanna return each breath you ever met in a sec..."

========be careful with language. I think ur language is excellent and im really getting emotions out of the suspense u are building but 'wanna return each breath you ever met' be careful u dont sacrifice content with flow.. 'each breath you ever took' dont be affraid to just go origional at times because u want people to feel your gift for language is effortless and inherent.. not pretentious


Two men abandon their languid postions in the corners my sight cant reach
Making their way towards the tray...but still I just cant speak
My legs tighten under fears command, my eyes close, fists grip
The end of the chair...their footsteps stop...a quick slit
My skin parted on my forearm, my throat gets choked with a groan
The other jams a thick chrome blade in my thigh, and it lightens the tone
My screams jump at the roof of the basement, as he pulls the blade to my knee
Air dances at the tip of my nostrils, I have to struggle to trap a few
Its insufficient, and in a minute, my conscious passes through...

======beautiful proze. here i would say.. instead of saying my, my, my.. spend a minute trying to think of a way in which u can use such words like: "as".. "as a choking threatened to overcome my consciousness, i could feel skin parting between blotches of darkness fading me out"... because when u get into the habit of saying 'my' then explaining what happens to you you wind up sharing the first person and third person narrative in not so clever a manner. It gives a third person effect and the reader knows its u experiencing it but u lose the effect of how it feels to experience it because nobody can possibly go through such pain and understand how it is effecting them on the outside. i may have not explained that very well.. but dont worry. the sh1t is tight reguardless




Specs of blood pattern the edge,

=======this is what i mean by excellent language. 'pattern the edge'.. that is very visual. good ish




======================================================================== ============================================


I loved the way u ended it, leaving us in suspence. This was something terrible like a nightmare and u almost made me feel fear from where i am sitting. Also u dont try to do to much with it.. which is what its all about.. a slice of life, an excerpt, a scene in passing without u trying to prove some grand point.. just trying to draw the emotion out of the reader. Its like passion of the christ.
Imagery was dope, the fact that it rhymed along was a bonus in contemporary literature.
I loved the end but i think it fell a biiitttt off as far as how tight the imagery was in compared to the rest of the piece. Like it began moving along faster but in a short space. a short spurt of momentum. heighten that by going back and forth between the victim and the culprits. lovelly piece

<> <> <> <> <

[#1rapper]

good shyt right here, you altered up a littl ebit leaving the crazy muti scheme behind...and at first i didnt think you would be able to have a good drop without it but i was proved wrong

the setup was good, and the ending was good, the whole tounge thing had me trippin, that shyt was borderline gross out material (No sublimial there)

yeah but one of the best ones ive seen so far

<><><><>

[Midnite]

you painted a scene, got us hooked in, and produced a cinematic experience in text, very well in fact

Without taking away from the flow you manage to tell a compelling story, to give us an inside perspective to what it might be like to get tortured for info

...hushed words begin to crystalize into structured statements dangling in the distance...
...upon their approach they gain volume, aimed at me and pull my rested chin off of my chest and my eyes identify the situation at hand...

...the arid air is interupted by water's grace, splashes my head and slips and lines my face with clear streaks the run lines through the pervious mornings dirt, my chin reluctantly lifts from its position on my chest...

goodness man



The Grim Reaper stands with a grin, a small blade in his hand
Specs of blood pattern the edge, seems to strengthen his stance
"It takes a man not to talk, now your the biggest man of us all..."
A slim gesture points to the tray, as my eyes take fall
No instuments of torture lie in wait, just a thick splatter of blood
And something I cant make out..."Sorry dun its your tongue..."
I meet panic's embrace, grip its feeling so tight
My eyes attempt to dive from my face, as the reaper beams in delight
My mouth stands a gape, distorted gasps trapped by the wallls
The grim reaper makes his exit, says something, then passes his stall
The door breaks its stance, swings some light in the quarters
Reveals the two goons in the room, wrestling their gun from its holster...

:ohmy:


...I should've ratted, I should've ratted, I should've ratted, I should've-----


god damn....i must say, i love stories, writing them, and reading them, but this was a very good story, and you did so with very strong lyrics and flow...you didn't miss a beat in either the story or flow, and thats incredibly hard to do...of the Dominion pieces, this is the bets I've read so far...you set the bar high

<><><><><> (5) yea, it was bound to happen:cool:

[W.I.Z.E.]

I agree w/ what's been said so far. 1.) here you TRULY switched up your style. And I don't know if it's because of comments on your previous piece, your own exploration or a little of both but regardless you did it.

2.) This joint packed punch like Kool-Aid packets. Strong effort for real. Good story had me in suspense. Good work.


<><><><><

The ONLY reason it's not five is because there were some lull's in this joint. VERY minor but still.

[IvIdividual]

Siiiiiick.

Images were off the rictor. At first I thought you were all about flow. But this right here!?.... I have a new found respect for you. Although I felt the first section kinda dragged on a lil bit it was still high calibur writing.

Looks like everyone pretty much quoted the entire second section and I'm gonna do the same thing too.

"The Grim Reaper stands with a grin, a small blade in his hand
Specs of blood pattern the edge, seems to strengthen his stance
"It takes a man not to talk, now your the biggest man of us all..."
A slim gesture points to the tray, as my eyes take fall
No instuments of torture lie in wait, just a thick splatter of blood
And something I cant make out..."Sorry dun its your tongue..."
I meet panic's embrace, grip its feeling so tight
My eyes attempt to dive from my face, as the reaper beams in delight
My mouth stands a gape, distorted gasps trapped by the wallls
The grim reaper makes his exit, says something, then passes his stall
The door breaks its stance, swings some light in the quarters
Reveals the two goons in the room, wrestling their gun from its holster..."

You left me hanging on to your last word. I was hoping for another section after the second. I guess that can translate to a well executed suspense technique and an all around interesting drop. I felt like this was incomplete though. Like...it didnt actualy end! In other words...the peice as a whole needed closure.

<><><><>and half a Iv


IvI

[Conduit]

========be careful with language. I think ur language is excellent and im really getting emotions out of the suspense u are building but 'wanna return each breath you ever met' be careful u dont sacrifice content with flow.. 'each breath you ever took' dont be affraid to just go origional at times because u want people to feel your gift for language is effortless and inherent.. not pretentious<

I agree with that. In the split second I took to read that I got craaaazy excited because the whole idea of RETURNING breaths is enough to write a book of poems on... you really came original with that... but I was disappointed that you didn't go through with the entire idea and sacrificed the image for flow... cuz that is nuts. Real nuts.

You're good. Ain't no 2 ways about it.

[energy]

Yeah, this was dope and ****.
However, I'm more impressed with Sleeps critique of it!
My man IS thorough!!!..

This piece was crafted well and marginally better than alot of what I'm reading around here. I'd say, rewrite. I bet if you went back and just tweeked a word here or there in some of your older pieces, it would freshen them up nicely.