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Midnite
01-20-07, 11:23 PM
Lord, I have given my all in your name,
I have journeyed until the ends of the world,
I have acquired friends, and I bask in fame,
I now have a son and three little girls,
I have buried many comrades for your honor,
Souls harvested for the eternal soul farmer,
My muscles ache, my breath is labored,
I am not yet broken, but I ask you a favor,
I am at the roads end, I will come home,
I am not the same man, no, lord I have grown,
I have allies to stand with me now,
And my son is grown, I am so proud,
I will atone for my deeds, my sins,
I’m not afraid of the future,
My son will guide them,
But lord, I must go further,
Lord, an entire continent stands before me,
I will fall on this day, but show my people mercy…

The Nomad….

The Nomad, a warrior without a home, I have traveled with him for twenty years. When he first came to my small village on his quest to return home. A gang of thugs who beat, raped and killed all those who opposed their rule ravaged our village. We were left at their mercy until the day The Nomad came to town. He only asked for water and a meal to eat at the local eatery. Once that task was complete, he continued on his way through our town in an effort to leave and continue his journey. Unfortunately he ran afoul of the gang that terrorized us all…

Gang: Stranger, are you passing through or will you stay?
Either way, there is a toll to pay

TN: I’m passing through; I only wish to be left alone,
I am only trying to go home…

The gang of course wouldn’t let The Nomad leave without their payment. The Nomad had only the clothes on his back, and a large ebony blade to call his own. By the end of the day, The Nomad would leave town having killed the entire gang, claiming only half their loot (giving the rest to the town), and a pair of new walking shoes. Before he could leave, I asked him if I could join him…. he simply nodded yes.

In the twenty years that I have known him, The Nomad has been consistent in his actions. Every city, town, village, hovel and desert outpost that we have entered he encounters a villain who will simply not let him pass, and they all fall. In twenty years, men and women alike have joined his mission to find a home. We were once a ragged dozen, the lowest of societies lows, only looking for something better. We followed him because we knew that he would lead us to a better place. In twenty years, a ragged dozen turned to a polished 250,000 followers. The Nomad became king to a moving empire. Farmers, merchants, prostitutes and debtors became warriors. The Nomad became a conqueror.

A mass of that many people moving would not go unnoticed, and the empires of old Africa stood at attention. The Nomad had journeyed from north to south, east to west, and with an army so massive that the ground shook when they walked. The Pharaoh feared that they would come pay him a visit, and so, he sent emissaries to the great empires of Africa and the Mediterranean sounding the alarm. The young Romans, and the old Greeks laughed it off. Mali would send 100,000 soldiers to Egypt, The Zulu would send 50,000, and The Abyssinians would send 10,000 in addition to the quarter million men the Pharaoh commanded.

We crossed the great Sahara in our quest for the Nile. When we arrived, we saw a mass of men that surpassed adequate description. They stood directly in our path, and as always The Nomad led the way.

TN: We ask for safe passage on our journey home,
We will not trouble you, leave us alone

Pharaoh: You move with such a force through my lands,
And you ask me, a God, to stand down to a man?
Turn around; you will not cross Egypt,
Leave, or your lives are forfeit,
Stranger, I demand, what is your name?
Speak it Slave…

The Nomad drew his ebony blade, stained with blood and souls, and sliced into the desert sands. The mighty Sahara was opened a 100m deep, 1000m wide with sand desperately pouring in to fill the gash.

TN: You have until the Sahara heals to clear a path,

The Pharaoh: Are you mad!!?

To Be Continued in Dominion: A Nomad's Home

Sleeps Thoreau
01-21-07, 01:20 AM
I have buried many comrades for your honor,
Souls harvested for the eternal soul farmer,


In the twenty years that I have known him, The Nomad has been consistent in his actions. Every city, town, village, hovel and desert outpost that we have entered he encounters a villain who will simply not let him pass, and they all fall. In twenty years, men and women alike have joined his mission to find a home.

In twenty years, a ragged dozen turned to a polished 250,000 followers. The Nomad became king to a moving empire. Farmers, merchants, prostitutes and debtors became warriors. The Nomad became a conqueror.

The young Romans, and the old Greeks laughed it off. Mali would send 100,000 soldiers to Egypt, The Zulu would send 50,000, and The Abyssinians would send 10,000 in addition to the quarter million men the Pharaoh commanded.


____all the above is facinating back story but the piece begins below_______



We crossed the great Sahara in our quest for the Nile. When we arrived, we saw a mass of men that surpassed adequate description. They stood directly in our path, and as always The Nomad led the way.

TN: We ask for safe passage on our journey home,
We will not trouble you, leave us alone

Pharaoh: You move with such a force through my lands,
And you ask me, a God, to stand down to a man?
Turn around; you will not cross Egypt,
Leave, or your lives are forfeit,
Stranger, I demand, what is your name?
Speak it Slave…

The Nomad drew his ebony blade, stained with blood and souls, and sliced into the desert sands. The mighty Sahara was opened a 100m deep, 1000m wide with sand desperately pouring in to fill the gash.

TN: You have until the Sahara heals to clear a path,

The Pharaoh: Are you mad!!?

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This seems to be like in the fashion of a script/ screen play. The back story is great but very quick and ill expanded on.. that's ok (its like the voice in the beginning of liquid swords) but i was scared ur whole piece whould be that

the second half was where i began to get engaged like in the moment and it heightend in me the rush of the confrontation,, but it was very short as it stands.

most of ur percentage points from me will come from the potential i feel for this based on the back story; the whole concept of the nomadic nation is facinating. As far as the showdown, u definatelly needed to add more. Little intricate imagery here and there so ur showing and not always telling.
for example if they are looking mean in each others eyes
dont just say "they had a stare down"
be like "a bead of sweat trickled down his temple, his eyes were locked ahead, above his heaving chest and deafening heavy breath"


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theman080
01-21-07, 02:58 PM
Aiight...


This ish was written well and it was really interesting, I was enoyin it but this was more backstory then anything else. It laid the foundation smoothely and set it up well for the nest installation. I'll look foward to reading that one as this set forth and interesting tale.

Honestly, this was written well, the rise of his followers and the reactions of the empires around them was done well. Basically, it was done well and it was interesting but it read like a prologue to me, so...



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^^^^ Doesn't reflect quality, just that this was a little lacking near the end, great set up for the next edition, I'm definitely gonna check it out

#1rapper
01-21-07, 06:53 PM
i was defiently feelin this shyt, imo the storytelling was great and the story was actually good, the only bad thing is that the storytelling kinda overshadowed the rap to the point where it felt like i wasn't even on a rap site...but dont get me wrong, the whole thing was tight...ill be looking for the upcoming parts
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