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View Full Version : DOMINION; The Merciless Gentry


Sleeps Thoreau
01-19-07, 12:21 AM
breeze blows
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Carlos’ line of sight was stalking two officers gone to converge with some partners on the corner. Keith halted affront the Pioneer supermarket, reaching into his pocket before entering. Noticing him at the crosswalk, Carlos waited to catch his eyes from the traffic. Startled by a pack of rowdy youth whizzing by behind him Keith shot his chin over his shoulder before discovering Carlos the short background distance, joining his index and middle finger at his forehead in an easy solute. He hadn’t been able to find Carlos’ number and it was weeks, or three parties, since the Zoot Suit Riot. At glance in their welcoming exchange, Keith was signaled to couple with Carlos down the avenue.
“Hey man, where’ve you been? I lost your number man. I have this party,”
“I got’chu!” Carlos interposed, trading an embrace of the hands. “Same as last?”

“Cool. Yea, yea, that’ll be fine. Hey, you should really come through to the party man. It’s going to be bananas. You can network too, I’ll introduce you to my gang. ‘Fukking aye, this is Carlos, my dealer’,” he laughed “Make some contacts, you know.”

The proposition was tempting. Up until that point Carlos had just wanted to know what he needed and shuffle him off, give him his number again and arrange for the drop off, then be back to his business. He was no drug dealer, that wasn’t his hustle; but he could get you what you needed, and would in a heartbeat to put some security in the fridge till next paycheck. One evening Keith caught up with Carlos, coming out of the subway. He had felt safe enough to solicit, having seen Carlos traveling home in his Security Guard uniform often around the same time. He was also the guy Keith spotted pollying with this set of apparent goons on several occasions, so he trusted he could get him to plug.

“EXCUSE ME?” Carlos initially reacted to his request that day with blood in his eye. As if it hadn’t been enough that he was obviously a hard working, law abiding citizen who grew up seeing the youth perish like beads of rain on a down coat; some of those very youth, dear family still soaking in memory. For forty three years he walked these South Bronx streets, a latchkey kid, native son, brother in the Zulu nation, father, compai, church goer, keeper of it’s dignity… he wouldn’t allow such an interaction get his head low. Who was this yuppy son of a b1tch? He asked behind pulsing temples …But just as quick he realized it could be an opportunity. Keith was too scrawny and soft around the eye sockets to be a cop.



breeze blows


“Anyway, I was just headed to do some shopping. Come by with that when you can between now and Friday. And come upstairs, chill out. I know you‘re a good guy,” Keith concluded, hand on Carlos’ arm.
Carlos nodded him off less conscious than he was just a minute earlier. He came to in the cool evening breeze, to watch Keith off. “Bet!” he exclaimed under his voice, before strolling back. His keys jangled off his knuckles.

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sn0man
01-19-07, 12:54 AM
Alright now that I know this isn't just raps I can critique sh1t lol.

Imigery was O N P O I N T when dude shot his chin I was like aight dude is on some algabraic 2 ways to skin a cat sh1t. Your vocab was nice it wasn't crazy but you used it like a knife it served its purpose and wasn't overdone. The thing that got me though was the ending I mean if your going to be that vague thats on you but it took away from the story IMO.

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IvIdividual
01-19-07, 03:08 PM
Ok. Of course the imagery needs to be there. This was more of a story. If you cant picture it whats the point of reading? So I cant give you extra credit on that. I can give you credit for actualy drafting a story in rhyming fashion. On the real...I couldnt get the entire moral of the story. Or the "punch" of the story. But i think thats the way it was ment to be written. The only thing i could get out of it was maybe a set up of some sort. A hustle of some sort and two old friends interacting in a shady way. What was the moral of the story Sleep? Im missin somthing.


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IvI

Sleeps Thoreau
01-19-07, 03:54 PM
i had no idea that it rhymed!
read it and then perhaps you will
understand
perhaps not

either which is fair
call it how u see it

but:

I can give you credit for actualy drafting a story in rhyming fashion.
IvI

?

theman080
01-19-07, 05:34 PM
This was a good read, I seriously was feelin the imagery and the wording. It painted a good picture with everything that it drew my only problem was that it wasn't specific as I would have liked it to be. Like the scenes developed perfectly in my head as I read through it but I felt like I needed to digest more before grasping it completely. Honestly I'm not totally sure what you were getting at, could be I'm just a dummy or it slipped past me, w/e. The feel that I got was that Carlos was a weed dealer but he made excuses to cover that part of his hustle and shyt, and he started to regret the fact that he was dealin, OR, that he was a narc and looking for some sort of arrest or some shyt. Anyway, that was my narrow minded view on this, I really wanted to give this a thorough critique but this was pretty serious...Basically, it was an interesting read, thought provoking, and well done...

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W.I.Z.E.
01-19-07, 08:06 PM
[FONT=tahoma]This is weird. I read the first few lines and was immediately like...ight nice set up S. free is gonna hit em. Then as I kept reading I was like umm okay is this gonna have some weird abrupt ending. Then it just ended..like poof.

I won't reiterate what everyone else has said but I agree mostly w/ AVK. Imagery had to be there as it was a story. I didn't really pick up a rhyme scheme and really wasn't looking.

As a set up story this is solid. As a stand alone..which is how I take it for now it's incomplete.

But honestly...I can't help feeling like I'm missing something. Maybe because I've seen your work and you usually don't leave things hanging like this.


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IvIdividual
01-25-07, 10:10 AM
Yo...Truthfuly. I thought the joint was rhyming when I read it. And I did read it. More of a spoken word rhyme. Here and there. Sorry if I offended you...but I did read the joint. I wouldnt do that to you kicko.


IvI

Sleeps Thoreau
01-25-07, 12:13 PM
It's nothing.
Thanks for doubling back though.
If you say you read it then i believe you
cause i don't think you would be the type
to just shoulder off a piece.

I know what you mean though
the rhythm of the piece prolly indulged you to read it a certain way.

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Midnite
01-25-07, 06:49 PM
this started off interesting, then it got iffy in the middle, and I was wondering if maybe you lost a train of thought, or rhythm, then I read this:

“EXCUSE ME?” Carlos initially reacted to his request that day with blood in his eye. As if it hadn’t been enough that he was obviously a hard working, law abiding citizen who grew up seeing the youth perish like beads of rain on a down coat; some of those very youth, dear family still soaking in memory. For forty three years he walked these South Bronx streets, a latchkey kid, native son, brother in the Zulu nation, father, compai, church goer, keeper of it’s dignity… he wouldn’t allow such an interaction get his head low. Who was this yuppy son of a b1tch? He asked behind pulsing temples …But just as quick he realized it could be an opportunity. Keith was too scrawny and soft around the eye sockets to be a cop.

and this brought it around for me....the imagery used to describe the state of young losing out, making it like beads of rain, and how our memory is soaked by it...that was niceness, and that is the reason that I didn't rate you as low as some others...this was solid after reading that

and then, to make sure I didn't miss anything, to make sure that there was justice in my score, I read it again (2)....because it got better with each read

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