DOMINION - Mental Prisons

[W.I.Z.E.]

Born a free man, my knee lands,
hitting carpeted floor,
floored by all that the imagination could explore while adorned by the scorn
of torn thorns reaching from the roses of life's idealistic corridor.
(heh) staring at doors closed many times before by illuminated thoughts
developed in the murk of...wait perhaps I'm not being clear.

See, what amazes me is the craze that craving what ultimately will bring
nothingness results in shall we say "frontingness" on behalf of so many
people you would think they would see that what they view as "equal" is
simply a sweet substitute used to prostitute our "real" for prosthetic
limbs. Benz, Rims, and Timbs often dim our grim disposition and mission yet
we march on thinkin' we're well clothed...but all I see are bunch of
strippers doing the same lap dance for that glance of happens stance. And
may I have this dance? I'm sayin'! Those clothes that you wear cost you $300
to purchase but for $10 I get in those pants and you'll prolly throw them
seven jeans to the back of the closet after I make a deposit in your
navel. Sure I'm able to see beneath the surface that you're beautiful, but
if you only provide me with the blueprint of your aura and not the inner
workings than your sly walk and smirking leads me to believe that either you
wish to deceive or you are deceived from what you have conceived from words
and actions of others.

Smothered you realize that you're a chained boy, that claims toys
Trying so hard to be high, and never knelt on that hard wood floor,
If our fathers stood tall, than we fall short..relatively that is,
Cause we act rich but remain soul poor...
Lockin' it down what you came for, to see all in their Mental prisons remain clawed to the insanity that manically contains more.

[In$ane $hane]

Sorry ma dude,I aint get a chance 2 read ya bars,but I'm jus wondering
Da Dominion shyt startes already? I thought it was 2morro

[Midnite]

this was truly nice, something akin to spoken word rather than rap

i liked the way this flowed, how one line smoothly transitioned to the next, how the overall scheme remained intact largely from the beginning to the end...

i had to read the beginning twice to get the rhythm clearly, after that, it all went smoothly for me as a reader, i could imagine someone standing on stage reciting this

5 diamond scale....i gotta give this: <><><><(3.5)

excellent read Wize

as for Shane, Wize just got an early start on us

[sn0man]

man maybe Im str8 up retarded but the flow wasn't even there ehh I dont know if I should even leave feed if your joint is that far above my head.....litterally

maybe its just structure

<><> cuz you used big words

man guys I promise Ill leave good feed on the other joints but I just.....I dunno what to do here

[Sleeps Thoreau]

staring at doors closed many times before by illuminated thoughts
developed in the murk of...wait perhaps I'm not being clear.
---the honesty is appreciated; it aint nothing! let's see where ur going



people you would think they would see that what they view as "equal" is
simply a sweet substitute used to prostitute our "real" for prosthetic
limbs. Benz, Rims, and Timbs often dim our grim disposition and mission yet
we march on thinkin' we're well clothed...
----OK so ur talking about being blinded by materialism. Superficiality



but all I see are bunch of
strippers doing the same lap dance for that glance of happens stance. And
may I have this dance? I'm sayin'! Those clothes that you wear cost you $300
to purchase but for $10 I get in those pants and you'll prolly throw them
seven jeans to the back of the closet after I make a deposit in your
navel.
----Good cross from the costs to the bed. Highlighting the contradiction of what people value and how they value themselves



Sure I'm able to see beneath the surface that you're beautiful, but
if you only provide me with the blueprint of your aura and not the inner
workings than your sly walk and smirking leads me to
-----Im following you here but it seems to disconnect before u make ur point cause the next couple of lines throw me off.



Smothered you realize that you're a chained boy, that claims toys
Trying so hard to be high, and never knelt on that hard wood floor,
-----bringing it back to the floor, from the carpeted rug of the beginning to the hardwood floors


If our fathers stood tall, than we fall short..relatively that is,
Cause we act rich but remain soul poor...
----here u sum up ur piece


________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

OK! this piece will kind of set the tone of how others are judged because it is the first piece. I vow to handle that responsibility responsibly and if i dont call me out.. no passive aggressive sh1t.

The moral of ur story here is one that many writers come to... all great writers must come to it in American society because this society is built on capitalism and materialism is a byproduct of that. It is only a point of view on my part but it wouldnt be far fetched to say that in our strive for material things we have compromised our spirituality! This is evident when u compare eastern religions and the connectedness with nature and what we practice here, being more kind of organized and less intricate with self.

Does your piece convey this feeling? Yes in the sense that it uses the modern environment of fashion and cars, and going out to bars and picking girls up and what not...
I think it could have been delivered with more detail tho. Your joint did have a beginning, middle, and end but the end basically editorialized the piece. You told us what the piece was about... which artistically is kind of not as merited as if a piece can convey your point symbolically without telling you. That is the mark of a great writer.

Your use of language was expansive but sometimes by being expansive in ur language it compromises the imagery. Here i think that it certainly did. The flow was runny also. I know ur work and here i think u tried too hard to over intellectualize the piece. Dedicate more time to ur next piece cause i hold u to high standards.
Realize that your words should have sensation and emotional weight. You dont want to impose ur point on us. My teacher once said he loved Pablo Neruda and that reading Pablo Neruda was like a hand caressing your face in ur sleep. That is a beautifyl metaophor of what we should be striving for. The writer must exclude as much of him or herself as possible. Hip Hop has disreguarded this rule over and over and ultimatelly it has had its penalty. I remember my teacher even telling me to try avoiding the use of the word I.. and to this day im conscious of that and i think it pressures me to let the story tell itself.


<> <> <

[IvIdividual]

I thought WIZE had some good things to say in a sage type way. It was like the words were coming from a higher power. This line kinda hit me. Wasnt the strongest line in the peice but it had substance...

..."Trying so hard to be high, and never knelt on that hard wood floor,
If our fathers stood tall, than we fall short..relatively that is,
Cause we act rich but remain soul poor..."

Im giving this <><><>Iv
thats three diamonds and half a stonehenge. I know WIZE has been here for a minute like me so want to challenge him to challenge himself to reach the next level.


IvI

[theman080]

I usually can fukk wit most of the shyt you drop and this is no different, except the style was different as fukk to me. I was feelin the whole spoken woird vibe and the confident tone of the peice. You kept the rhthym goin for basically the entire verse, good shyt....

______________

<> <> <>

______________

[W.I.Z.E.]

Your joint did have a beginning, middle, and end but the end basically editorialized the piece. You told us what the piece was about... which artistically is kind of not as merited as if a piece can convey your point symbolically without telling you.



Man you hit it right on the head. I struggled w/ the ending because at first I did NOT sum it up but then decided not...in doing so I took credit away from my readers and you noticed.

Good spot.

Thanks for the comments everyone else as well.