In$ane $hane Presents-" How We Get Down"

[In$ane $hane]

Imma Take u 2 ma hood
Take u 2 ma town
Come on ma block & see “How We Get Down�
Take u 2 ma hood
Come in ma town
Run up on ma Block In$ane show u How He Get Down
In$ane
Ni99az in ma hood constantly spitting like
they coughin up flem/
BROOKLYN, home of the ni99az dat iz nice witt da pen/
From Flatbush so I guess u can say im 1 of dem/
Its all a hustle 4 dat guap, Asians call it yen/
Buying spray painted Biggie tees str8 from V.I.M./
Plus sized women wearing revealing clothes like their fat ass is slim/
Every hood get it poppin & yea dats kool/
But New York keep perfecting, cuz ni99a dats wat we do/
We see a ni99a dats a victim & we say dat ni99a iz food/
& while yall say “what it do�,ma ni99az say “wats good�/
Even Haitian passé on church keep it thoro, dats ma wrd/
Dollar van graze ya ear remind u 2 stay away from da curb/
Cuz da rasta at da wheel is bugging due 2 all da herb/
But dnt hink ma hood all sweet, we also got clown ni99az & birds/
& that loud Nextel chirp is really getting on ma nerves/
But dnt get it twisted I love ma hood & addicted 2 da tenements
& I got love 4 all ma Brooklyn residents/

Imma Take u 2 ma hood
Take u 2 ma town
Come on ma block & see “How We Get Down�
Take u 2 ma hood
Come in ma town
Run up on ma Block OO-WEE show u How He Get Down
OO-WEE Truly!
Coming from the city with a Microphone Skyscraper
Destined and determined to diligently get paper
Home of the Rangers, Mavericks, and Cowboys
Home of the pimps and the playas making noise
No choice but to step up and truly represent
My flows are never irrelavent but extremely evident
Heaven sent,our time to shine-the last will be the first
Dallas Texas, still reckless, ready to drop a verse
Gimmie mine when I rhyme,because it's well overdue
Trill is true and real, because the realest keep it true

Imma Take u 2 ma hood
Take u 2 ma town
Come on ma block & see “How We Get Down�
Take u 2 ma hood
Come in ma town
Run up on ma Block MAC show u How He Get Down
MaCRonI!
I spit hard, burnin spit like I was charazard/
I leave soul scarred in my mental boulevard/
like a computer motherboard,lesson I've abosrbed/
I'm adding a new chip to my cerebral circuit board/
I'm hip-hop 4 wheelin' like Lupe Fiasco's skateboard/
So if I record, my tongue harp like Link's sword/
but until then, its currently trapped in a scabbath/
salvaged only to speak intelligence and avoid savage/
waste my mental finesse with obsess of stereotypes/
blamin others for the black plight, lost sight/
days of the black panthers and civil rights/
was UV light,so I write to set things right/
and reintroduce the intelligent nigguh/
devoid of stigma,mentals flowin river/
no longer snakes that slither and drink liquor/
to choke up tha live, but a true engima/
I paint for hours to create this picture/

Imma Take u 2 ma hood
Take u 2 ma town
Come on ma block & see “How We Get Down�
Take u 2 ma hood
Come in ma town
Run up on ma Block GUDDA show u How He Get Down
Kingofdayay!
YO, YO, "YUNG GUDDA"
LETZ GET DOWN 2 DA KNITTY GRITTY DOG IM FROM DA SH!TTY CITY, LIL TOWN
ON
DA WATER DATZ ITTY BITTY/
A YO IM DOWN 4 WHATEVA N!GGAZ KNO IM A RIDE,
SCHEMING ON THESE *****Z READY 4 A HOMICIDE/
I GREW UP A SCREW UP BUT MY MAMA TRIED,
I SMOKED PURP AND WROTE MUZIK WHEN DA DRAMA DIED/
AINT **** ELSE 2 DO BUT CATCH A BODY,
I'LL TELL MY DOG 2 FETCH DA SHOTTY/
I HID CRACK N MY AZZ AND PUMPED DA WEIGHT,
IF N!GGAZ LOOKED SUSPICIOUS I DUMPED DA EIGHT
I STAYED STRAPPED WIT .38 SPECIAL AND A COBRAY M-11, BROKE KEYZ N HALF
AND SOLD DEM 4 SEVEN/
SO IF WE GOT STATIC YO,
I'LL PULL OVA DA WHIP HOP OUT AND LET DA MATIC BLOW/
GO AND POP MY TRUNK AND GET DA SIG,
AIM DA CHOPPA AT YA HEAD AND SPLIT YA WIG/
BLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!!
Imma Take u 2 ma hood
Take u 2 ma town
Come on ma block & see “How We Get Down�
Take u 2 ma hood
Come in ma town
Run up on ma Block Cali show u How He Get Down
Cali_Bud!
Cali Bud...homie you know where I be and where I'm posted at/
peace signs can get you killed if you kickin' it where I'm living at/
You know how I do,straight outta the wild,wild west/
bullets whizzin' at ya chest,you better wear a f*uckin vest/
Stay wit them 9's on deck and I pack a blow/
jack a joe,pop ya bro,you don't want a toe to toe/
Home of the Lakers,snakes and fakers/
you bump Gangbangin' 101 on Crenshaw and you gone meet the undertaker/
You tough? And you can't get clapped on?/
put em on skid row wit them 22's,stacks and them diamonds on/
Nothing like you see in them video's/
nigg@$ get popped over money,cars,jewelry and them snaking hoes/
But I couldn't see myself no where else/
Keep your mind on your grind and your business to your f*ckin self

*beat changes, slows down*
Imma Take u 2 ma hood
Take u 2 ma town
Come on ma block & see “How We Get Down�
But ma ***** jus got hit
Im in mad shyt
& we older now & want OUT DIS BYTCH!!!

InVisible Vision! & In$ane!
Welcome to my hood, welcome to my dreams/
Wen u wakeup from the nightmares,
Wake up to the screams/
getcha cake up wen the nights here,but its breaking up
da team/
like we trynna live our life here,but we
hungry 4 da CREAM/
scratchin & shaking with the pipe here,these fukkin
snakes created fiends/

& i dnt wanna die,but it seem as if no1 cares/
yo get the fukk off my stoop! my lil' brothers have to
talk through here!/
starin at the sky asking god how the fukk it iz we got here/
Im trying ma best 2 survive cuz da Boyz
feining 2 catch a ni99a like me/
but da revolutionary is alive & i aint going out like diallo seed/
even if dat mean i gotta dodge 41 bullets like ma name keenau Reeves/
cuz i gotta make it home i gotta fam 2 feed/
Mom N Dad working 2 jobs, fams gotta "sinking fast"
feeling/
Im working Burger King & da Block, paranoid
thinking ni99az is squealing/...while at home...
Da carpets rotting out, brown-water-stains my glass
ceiling/
& its pressing down, an im stressing now.../
how dare this teacher try to teach me a fukkin lesson now/
Im undressin now...but no clothes get washed/
another boss get knocked...another hollow
tip
gets cocked/
another condemned hollow building on my block...another
home gets squashed/
All the shyt u stand 4 aint really worth
shyt,
could all be ended due 2 a gun, thug & a bytch/

Claimin "Hood" like their on some new shyt,
alone & tossed, aside...ignore the burden we -bear it/
they dnt kno recognize its "G"- Neric/
I rep ma hood,cuz it was my hood that raised
me...
But I took us out the hood, cuz the hood appraised me..
It gave me everythign I need to succeed on the earth
But ain't no man or no place gonna tell me, me and my worth
see eric? see max? see mikey?
you see why it is that they don't like me?
See how i preach non-violence... now all they wanna do is fight me?
n' took my pencil when i drew a picture of another way it might be?
instead; "eat your pride, ... with a side of respect"
my purple hearts are gemstars: chest and side of my neck...
and i did dirt...that i thought i'd never ever do
and i lost control, that i thought i'd never ever lose
a new path, i'm trying build good deeds,
finally focussed, on tryin'a double my
stack...
Bottomline: kids i save, have gotta grow... cuz i owe a couple lives
back
Imma Take u 2 ma hood
Take u 2 ma town
Come on ma block & see “How We Get Down
But ma ***** jus got hit
Im in mad shyt
& we older now & want OUT DIS BYTCH!!!

Verbinh!
The hood wasn't nice to me
Anything you had could get jacked quick
Even if it's a rice crispy treat
If you didn't fork the goods
The price is getting beat
Knock you out cha Fubu suit
Something like forty feet
The hoods picture was a tainted image
Lookin out my window, you could see where the whores would be
Didn't matter if you were broke, they'd fukk with anybody
Even the shortest peeps.
Cars get jacked daily, cops ignored the beeps
It was blacks against Asians everyday, corner stores they'd meet
Altercations from a simple mean mug, thugs torched ya door with heat
Product of your environment; but somehow cats adored the streets
But everyday was a scene of crime-ridden forecasts and bullet showers;
who could afford to leave?
Eventually my parents landed decent jobs, got me and big sis out, like
shores we free
It's a privilege to not be a statistic, I was going ballistic; now I
see my chores is neat
Never thought I would make it out the concrete jungle alive, now act
accordingly
Wrapping up my last year of college, worked hard for the honors; aiming
for the gold chords that gleam.
Now my life is seeming lighter like coffee that's poured with
cream.
Word of wisdom, so just listen; do what you gotta do to live, don't
let nobody scorch ya dreams.

SOHH History BYTCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[In$ane $hane]

7 realist...gotta be classic.lol

ma favorite part here...

Welcome to my hood, welcome to my dreams/
Wen u wakeup from the nightmares,
Wake up to the screams/
getcha cake up wen the nights here,but its breaking up da team/
like we trynna live our life here,but we hungry 4 da CREAM/
scratchin & shaking with the pipe here,these fukkin snakes created fiends/

& i dnt wanna die,but it seem as if no1 cares/
starin at the sky asking god how the fukk it iz we got here/
Im trying ma best 2 survive cuz da Boyz feining 2 catch a ni99a like me/
but da revolutionary is alive & i aint going out like diallo seed/
even if dat mean i gotta dodge 41 bullets like ma name keenau Reeves/
cuz i gotta make it home i gotta fam 2 feed/
Mom N Dad working 2 jobs, fams gotta "sinking fast" feeling/
Im working Burger King & da Block, paranoid thinking ni99az is squealing/...while at home...
Da carpets rotting out, brown-water-stains on my ceiling/
& its pressing down, an im stressing now.../
how dare this teacher try to teach me a fukkin lesson now/

[In$ane $hane]

sorry 2 da ni99az dat aint make it...i got alot more collabs 2 go,imma hit yall ^

[Cali_Bud]

Good Sh*t! That was ripped!! Man I wish that was in audio!!! Big ups 2 Shane 4 puttin that 2gether. Everybody reppin thier set and showin' @$$, it's good when we can come together and get something good done. Shout out 2 everybody on the track! UP THAT SH!T!!!!!!!!:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :headphone

[In$ane $hane]

Good Looks fam, shouts outs 2 every1 on da shyt...I'm on ma producing shyt 2, yall soon gonna see me up in dat audio room.
o0o yea cali_ u did say we gotta get something poppin.... In$ane, $hane & Cali_Bud comming soon,lol.
UPPPERZ BYTCHES!!!!!

[Invisible Vision]

Gonna come out here and give an honest review, and since i was involved, I can't dance around what i think.... so if anyone is offended, they shouldn't be, its a critique, this site should be a tool for anyone who has any interest in writing......

That being said, i'll break down my thoughts, verse by verse
first up: $hane.

First thing i noticed reading your first verse was that you need to keep flow in mind. Make sure that your syllable counts are similar in your bars. Also, make sure to connect the bars when you can... even if you have and odd number of lines rhyming with certain sound, that's cool... just make sure you can connect it to the next new line... also, some of the stuff for example (kool, do, fool, good) didn't rhyme and made it sound a little off.... good use of some visuals, dollar vans, and other things that remind me of my childhood.... bk all day. Certain things, like "ma hood" isn't totally necessary, you can just write my... we get the idea. Overall, not a knockout verse, but its obvious you're starting... Flow/consistency is something i'd be working on if i was you, and also making your verse more distinct... mentioning things/place/experiences that are your own... to make sure it doesn't come off as generic.... i'll get to you other parts (what you intertwined with mine... where i think you shined) later.


OO-WEE TRULY:
Instead of just rhyming 1 syllable at the end of each line "wood, could, should, stood" focus on rhyming more than one. for example instead of
Coming from the city with a Microphone Skyscraper
Destined and determined to diligently get paper : go with "find paper" i would good deeper, like "i've been known to find paper, or honed to find paper" etc, but to start... try to expand on that idea.... This verse was short, and a little generic also, but you saved the best for last, where it came off pretty crisp... like "dallas texas, still reckless, ready to drop a verse..." solid inner-rhyme, and overall very clean on the page. Plus its somethign i could imagine coming out the speakers... Overall, i would have developed teh verse more, and come with something that delved a little further into your city.... but for a short drop, it didn't make me wanna stop reading... Plus, it definitely had that southern flow.

MaCRonI:
I gotta say fam, and i do this with no hate: You dissapointed me. When i saw your name in there, i hoped you'd come with something to really get the momentum moving. My first problem, right off the bat... "charazard?" really? First, its spelled with an i, but more importantly it set a childish tone. Like this should be spit by lil' bow wow's son (i know he doesn't have one, but you get what i'm saying) You kept it going, with a Link's sword reference, then a skateboard. Now, this isn't a problem if you do it in a clever way... but thats' not really what happened. That whole motherboard/computer section: I saw where you were going with it, like a little rza/gza feel to it. But you gotta execute somthing like that really well to get it: instead of what you wrote, you tighten it up: " my mental motherboard crashes, all lessons burnt to ashes/ I reboot chips, with new hits learned, as circuits pass us.." something more like that, with internal rhyme scheme, and a metaphor that hit a little more (my style is was different from yours... but i see how you try to get a little abstract, so i figured i'd show you more of my thought process...) The whole ending needed to be worded better, just overall not you best work... keep plugging away though, i see improvement in your other drops.

Kingofdayay:
I'm not gonna front, straight up, i don't like your style. From the all-caps, to some of your subject material, to the way you do your own hypeman work in your own threads.... and sometimes announce yourself with an echo? bizarre... BUT in my opinion you dropped the best verse of all the new cats in here (i'm not counting myself, because i don't write reviews for my own work... ) Your flow from the jump was on point (though i'd watch syllable counts, just to stay consistent) I wouldn't use "itty bitty" but it worked and flowed well... The writing wasn't spactacular, but as a rap verse, it was very solid. This is something that looks like its written for spittin... "I HID CRACK N MY AZZ AND PUMPED DA WEIGHT,
IF N!GGAZ LOOKED SUSPICIOUS I DUMPED DA EIGHT
I STAYED STRAPPED WIT .38 SPECIAL AND A COBRAY M-11, BROKE KEYZ N HALF AND SOLD DEM 4 SEVEN/" crack in the ass? not my style... but flowed pretty well
solid verse overall, well done, just try to make it less generic.


Cali_Bud:
Same kinda thing i've mentioned above, try to rhyme more syllables per-bar: for example - Cali Bud...homie you know where I be and where I'm posted at/
peace signs can get you killed if you kickin' it where I'm living at/ instead i'da said "Peace signs can get you served with heat, if you ain't see where the host is at" posed at/livin at only rhymes "at" that's the same word, just try working on some more complexity, you'll see it makes it sound better when you're spitting it.... again for example "Stay wit them 9's on deck and I pack a blow/" should be followed with something like "Jack a joe, click-clack macs at ya tat, and ya back'll flow..." something that the reader will be a little more impressed with....
you gotta keep in mind that this IS text, so something that might be solid in audio, doesn't always do the job when being read... you gotta work a little harder. Finishing lines are solid, so the verse finished strong.

$hane (as part of my verse)

I thought you did a better job with your bars here some of it ended up coming off a lil awkward... but no major problems... Maybe it was because i gave you a structure to work with.. but your writing was much better here. not bad man, good shlt....


Verbinh:

Started slow, a little simple, not really sure where you're going with it... but from "Cars get jacked daily, cops ignored the beeps" on- this verse was kinda nice! Great emotion, solid writing and good rhymes... matterafact... upon a closer reading, i'd say that this was my favorite verse (sorry kingofdayay... i wrote this as i read....) Carried a rhyme for longer than alot of your fellow posters (though you've been around for a while) could have. Ended with a solid message, and a bit of a bang.... well done. The verse was a little choppy, some of it didn't flow great, i would work on inner-rhyme schemes because you're clearly a lil more advanced than alot of the cats on this collab... but thats' just something to help you elevate... overall well done. "It was blacks against Asians everyday, corner stores they’d meet
Altercations from a simple mean mug, thugs torched ya door with heat
Product of your environment; but somehow cats adored the streets
But everyday was a scene of crime-ridden forecasts and bullet showers; who could afford to leave?" - my favorite section of your verse...


overall good work on getting everyone together, i see you guys posting new stuff all the time, keep it up... this place is a good way to get your work and style critiqued and refined.... i think most of you guys should be working on the focus of your verse, staying on topic and really painting a picture with it (not a strength of mine) and then rhyming more syllables and maybe some inner-rhymes, making it more appealing to the readers, and also more complex... therefore making you work a little harder...

stay up fellas....

(see midnite, yaga.... cats say i'm not down to help the new jacks.... don't ever say i'm not trying to help levitation of the site.....AIGHT, i even blessed it!) haha
peace
be peaceful
~IV

[In$ane $hane]

Good feed IV...yea I kno some parts of ma verse was sloppy but I was jus like fucc it,da focus wasn't 4 this 2 be too lyrical & loose da point of da song,if was supposed 2 flip from repping ya block & good times to serious shyt, da struggle & then flip on some "Lost one" shyt. Yea u could have love 4 ya block & hood,but we gotta overcome da madness in da streets & also u aint considered a sellout if u leave da hood...& u gotta hear ma audio,u may not think certain shyt I say dnt sound right or rhyme all da way,but ma style & da way I say shyt will make it more clear...but I agree 100% on IV's judgement

[Cali_Bud]

Yeah IV, I respect constructive criticism and i'll take some of that advice. The feedback is always appreciated.

[Verbinh]

Yeah IV, I respect constructive criticism and i'll take some of that advice. The feedback is always appreciated.



Yeah, real talk.


Preciate the commentary Invis. I can see where you're coming from about the structure, flow and organization. When SHANE sent me the pm about going without me, i had to freetype something swift cuz i did't want to get dismissed quick, that'd be some shiit.

And i haven't been around too long. LOL.


Yo Shane, just let me know when you got another one in the works. I think an interesting one would be something less hood and not about kickin street tales. Let's get into interesting shiit like the weather, women (gettin' fukked over by bytches, how you a playa, etc.), summertime shiit, mistreatment at restaurants by waiters... i mean, we can get into all types of themes and scenarios. For real.


This shiit has a ton of potential. Every INSANESHANE thread would be high in the fun factor and could bring some light back into the openmic forums.


I stalled on that verse cuz you asked me for it right before finals week and the holiday season (and i believe everybody here was busy as well).

Next go round should be something for the masses and raise a few eyebrows. I think we got this one.


I dedicate this freetype to everyone here...

Word up to everyone who submitted their shiit, we made a hit, that's what we gon' get. It's great for a bunch of peeps to collabo on some spittin'. Freestyle or written, we expand our options like cops with no jurisdiction. Listen. With the pen our hands stay hot, like they were sheathed with mittens. Haters breathe the bulshiitten. Every lyricist in Shane's camp needs a position. Naysayers get the fukk out; can't stand the heat in the kitchen. We don't bleed, we just spit and release the real business. Insane's knows the deal, cuz we dudes he enlisted.


Fukk a christmas wishlist, "how we get down" just proves that these just g's is above breezees and Jesus.

Openmic forum been dead; now we see the deed, proceed to plant seeds so we can be free from the hell that's abyss so deep. Tell me please, don't dead our dreams, this place really needs us!!!

I'm Sohh Sincerious.


Outro.


Once again, Props to all...



Happy MLK to ya.

[In$ane $hane]

In$ane $hane
MaCRoni
Verbinh
OO-WEE
InVisible Vision
Cali_Bud
Kingofdayay

DA JOINT CHIEFS OF SOHH!!!!!!!!

i was thinkin bout da shyt witt da females, but imma hit yall witt something more exclusive
look out

[blaXXX]

Gonna come out here and give an honest review, and since i was involved, I can't dance around what i think.... so if anyone is offended, they shouldn't be, its a critique, this site should be a tool for anyone who has any interest in writing......
That being said, i'll break down my thoughts, verse by verse
first up: $hane.
First thing i noticed reading your first verse was that you need to keep flow in mind. Make sure that your syllable counts are similar in your bars. Also, make sure to connect the bars when you can... even if you have and odd number of lines rhyming with certain sound, that's cool... just make sure you can connect it to the next new line... also, some of the stuff for example (kool, do, fool, good) didn't rhyme and made it sound a little off.... good use of some visuals, dollar vans, and other things that remind me of my childhood.... bk all day. Certain things, like "ma hood" isn't totally necessary, you can just write my... we get the idea. Overall, not a knockout verse, but its obvious you're starting... Flow/consistency is something i'd be working on if i was you, and also making your verse more distinct... mentioning things/place/experiences that are your own... to make sure it doesn't come off as generic.... i'll get to you other parts (what you intertwined with mine... where i think you shined) later.
OO-WEE TRULY:
Instead of just rhyming 1 syllable at the end of each line "wood, could, should, stood" focus on rhyming more than one. for example instead of
Coming from the city with a Microphone Skyscraper
Destined and determined to diligently get paper : go with "find paper" i would good deeper, like "i've been known to find paper, or honed to find paper" etc, but to start... try to expand on that idea.... This verse was short, and a little generic also, but you saved the best for last, where it came off pretty crisp... like "dallas texas, still reckless, ready to drop a verse..." solid inner-rhyme, and overall very clean on the page. Plus its somethign i could imagine coming out the speakers... Overall, i would have developed teh verse more, and come with something that delved a little further into your city.... but for a short drop, it didn't make me wanna stop reading... Plus, it definitely had that southern flow.
MaCRonI:
I gotta say fam, and i do this with no hate: You dissapointed me. When i saw your name in there, i hoped you'd come with something to really get the momentum moving. My first problem, right off the bat... "charazard?" really? First, its spelled with an i, but more importantly it set a childish tone. Like this should be spit by lil' bow wow's son (i know he doesn't have one, but you get what i'm saying) You kept it going, with a Link's sword reference, then a skateboard. Now, this isn't a problem if you do it in a clever way... but thats' not really what happened. That whole motherboard/computer section: I saw where you were going with it, like a little rza/gza feel to it. But you gotta execute somthing like that really well to get it: instead of what you wrote, you tighten it up: " my mental motherboard crashes, all lessons burnt to ashes/ I reboot chips, with new hits learned, as circuits pass us.." something more like that, with internal rhyme scheme, and a metaphor that hit a little more (my style is was different from yours... but i see how you try to get a little abstract, so i figured i'd show you more of my thought process...) The whole ending needed to be worded better, just overall not you best work... keep plugging away though, i see improvement in your other drops.
Kingofdayay:
I'm not gonna front, straight up, i don't like your style. From the all-caps, to some of your subject material, to the way you do your own hypeman work in your own threads.... and sometimes announce yourself with an echo? bizarre... BUT in my opinion you dropped the best verse of all the new cats in here (i'm not counting myself, because i don't write reviews for my own work... ) Your flow from the jump was on point (though i'd watch syllable counts, just to stay consistent) I wouldn't use "itty bitty" but it worked and flowed well... The writing wasn't spactacular, but as a rap verse, it was very solid. This is something that looks like its written for spittin... "I HID CRACK N MY AZZ AND PUMPED DA WEIGHT,
IF N!GGAZ LOOKED SUSPICIOUS I DUMPED DA EIGHT
I STAYED STRAPPED WIT .38 SPECIAL AND A COBRAY M-11, BROKE KEYZ N HALF AND SOLD DEM 4 SEVEN/" crack in the ass? not my style... but flowed pretty well
solid verse overall, well done, just try to make it less generic.
Cali_Bud:
Same kinda thing i've mentioned above, try to rhyme more syllables per-bar: for example - Cali Bud...homie you know where I be and where I'm posted at/
peace signs can get you killed if you kickin' it where I'm living at/ instead i'da said "Peace signs can get you served with heat, if you ain't see where the host is at" posed at/livin at only rhymes "at" that's the same word, just try working on some more complexity, you'll see it makes it sound better when you're spitting it.... again for example "Stay wit them 9's on deck and I pack a blow/" should be followed with something like "Jack a joe, click-clack macs at ya tat, and ya back'll flow..." something that the reader will be a little more impressed with....
you gotta keep in mind that this IS text, so something that might be solid in audio, doesn't always do the job when being read... you gotta work a little harder. Finishing lines are solid, so the verse finished strong.
$hane (as part of my verse)
I thought you did a better job with your bars here some of it ended up coming off a lil awkward... but no major problems... Maybe it was because i gave you a structure to work with.. but your writing was much better here. not bad man, good shlt....
Verbinh:
Started slow, a little simple, not really sure where you're going with it... but from "Cars get jacked daily, cops ignored the beeps" on- this verse was kinda nice! Great emotion, solid writing and good rhymes... matterafact... upon a closer reading, i'd say that this was my favorite verse (sorry kingofdayay... i wrote this as i read....) Carried a rhyme for longer than alot of your fellow posters (though you've been around for a while) could have. Ended with a solid message, and a bit of a bang.... well done. The verse was a little choppy, some of it didn't flow great, i would work on inner-rhyme schemes because you're clearly a lil more advanced than alot of the cats on this collab... but thats' just something to help you elevate... overall well done. "It was blacks against Asians everyday, corner stores they’d meet
Altercations from a simple mean mug, thugs torched ya door with heat
Product of your environment; but somehow cats adored the streets
But everyday was a scene of crime-ridden forecasts and bullet showers; who could afford to leave?" - my favorite section of your verse...
overall good work on getting everyone together, i see you guys posting new stuff all the time, keep it up... this place is a good way to get your work and style critiqued and refined.... i think most of you guys should be working on the focus of your verse, staying on topic and really painting a picture with it (not a strength of mine) and then rhyming more syllables and maybe some inner-rhymes, making it more appealing to the readers, and also more complex... therefore making you work a little harder...
stay up fellas....
(see midnite, yaga.... cats say i'm not down to help the new jacks.... don't ever say i'm not trying to help levitation of the site.....AIGHT, i even blessed it!) haha
peace
be peaceful
~IV

Did you intentionally not critique your verse here??

[sn0man]

critiqueing your own work is meaningless what if I think Im the best writer to ever exist and you guys notice I can't even put together a proper rhyme scheme?

[In$ane $hane]

critiqueing your own work is meaningless what if I think Im the best writer to ever exist and you guys notice I can't even put together a proper rhyme scheme?

yea

[theman080]

I'm surprised I missed this, I figured when this dropped I'd see some of the other heads names in the title, anyway, I always enjoyin readin shyt dropped by a bunch of catz/ Good job at getting everyone involved in here Shane, I didnt expect to see Invisible Vision in this...

Anyway, I was feelin Visions the most, and then Yay's was the one I enjoyed most of the rest, the structure was a bit iffy but this shyt was worth the read just to see the blend if different styles, overall, quality collab

[In$ane $hane]

Thanx 4 da feed ma dude...but yea,sorry to 2 every1 dat was on dis 4 da title. I put In$ane $hane presents,becuz all da names wouldnt really fit & I aint want no1 2 feel left out....so dnt think I'm shyting on yall or taking shine or anything like dat iight ma ni99az.

[In$ane $hane]

UPZ!
Sorry bout some shyt...their was some mistakes witt me & InVisible's blended verse,but everything is good now,so if u want u can take a read ova

More feed pplz!
1

[Mr.November+]

Dope Collab....

I like when you got a differnt number of writers...

[Sleeps Thoreau]

Buying spray painted Biggie tees str8 from V.I.M./
----nice! this is real brooklyn

We see a ni99a dats a victim & we say dat ni99a iz food/
-------tru

Dollar van graze ya ear remind u 2 stay away from da curb/
------haha


& that loud Nextel chirp is really getting on ma nerv
----yo fuggin erry night with that man. is it really smart to have a nextel beeping when u out there doing dirt?/ people dont think


But dnt get it twisted I love ma hood & addicted 2 da tenements
& I got love 4 all ma Brooklyn residents/
----BROOKLYNNNN





Coming from the city with a Microphone Skyscraper
Destined and determined to diligently get paper
----i love the mental picture


like a computer motherboard,lesson I've abosrbed/
I'm adding a new chip to my cerebral circuit board/
I'm hip-hop 4 wheelin' like Lupe Fiasco's skateboard/
--------suffisticado!! whoa!


I paint for hours to create this picture/
------i feel u on that, im with u


I GREW UP A SCREW UP BUT MY MAMA TRIED,
I SMOKED PURP AND WROTE MUZIK WHEN DA DRAMA DIED/
------feeling this, real





[FONT="Verdana"]another condemned hollow building on my block...another
home gets squashed/
----real

[Child Proof]

Impressive fellas, dang, wish I coulda got on...but yea I don't be on here like that. Anyway the hook is tight! Overall it's a nice piece of work...respect. I was diggin Insane's verse and the first half Kingofdayay's verse before all the gun talk; I couldn't really get a grasp on IV's and Shane's last verse...but it was mad poetic, I liked it, but something got lost in the layout.

Fave lines were

"Plus sized women wearing revealing clothes like their fat ass is slim"
LMAO...truth!


"Coming from the city with a Microphone Skyscraper"
Like Sleeps indicated...the mental pic is ill.

"I GREW UP A SCREW UP BUT MY MAMA TRIED,
I SMOKED PURP AND WROTE MUZIK WHEN DA DRAMA DIED"
Nice flow and felt!

But I couldn't see myself no where else/
Keep your mind on your grind and your business to your f*ckin self
Kilt the ending right there...nice!

See how i preach non-violence... now all they wanna do is fight me?
n' took my pencil when i drew a picture of another way it might be?
That's some next level sh!t...nice!!!

Respect fellas! Keep me in mind next time around.

[Invisible Vision]

shane, when you see this, in my verse (i don't know why it didn't work)
change

"Claimin "Hood" like their on some new shyt,
alone & tossed, aside...ignore the burden we -bear it/
they dnt kno recognize its "G"- Neric/"

to

alone and tossed, aside... ignore the burden we -bear it
claimin "hood" like their on some new shlt, they don't recognize its "G" – neric

that's all

+ up for feed.

[blaXXX]

critiqueing your own work is meaningless what if I think Im the best writer to ever exist and you guys notice I can't even put together a proper rhyme scheme?

hmmm...that sounds like an Integrity or 'honor-system' challenge to me. I mean, if folk view you as a fair poster then, they can appreciate anticipating that if you critiqued your own Works. Right? I mean, especially if you know/see some challenges or discrepancies in the Works, right off the bat, yourself.

so, stay cognizant to that real scenario pal.

[Invisible Vision]

hmmm...that sounds like an Integrity or 'honor-system' challenge to me. I mean, if folk view you as a fair poster then, they can appreciate anticipating that if you critiqued your own Works. Right? I mean, especially if you know/see some challenges or discrepancies in the Works, right off the bat, yourself.
so, stay cognizant to that real scenario pal.



I see where you're coming from... see i did this as a postive movement for the newer heads, i've been on this site a while, and i think you'd be hard pressed to find somebody with that experience that would get involved in a collab like this.... I thought as such, it would be good for me to drop a serious critique, telling kids what i drew from their writing, and what they should to to work on their craft, trying to go in depth... i was hoping they'd see the way i tried to break parts down, and go forth and do it for others... providing a good, constructive criticism...

I didn't critique myself mainly because i was hoping i'd get somebody in here that'd drop a breakdown similar to my own... somebody that tried to really dig into it.... usually, in the past when i drop my own work... i let a few cats come in, give breakdowns and their thoughts... then i've come back and picked apart my own work, trying to use their perspective to see what i could improve... I haven't really gotten that yet, and i would say that THAT has been my one real dissapointment thus far with this collab....
I respect where you're coming from, but i would say that as far as "honor" system goes, i was pretty fair in my criticism, and nothing i said would call said honor or fairness into question.... where i'd feel the need to also breakdown myself, showing them how tough i am on my own work.

I didn't think my criticisms necesitated validation through the examination of my own writing.... nor do i feel that going over my own writing in a breakdown would make what i had said any more or less truthful or honest.

I guess that's why i didn't breakdown my own work....it has nothing to do with how good/bad/wack/nice i am... i don't feel as if i'm one of the best writers on sohh... in fact, you'd probably struggle to find all that many heads in teh OM that still even recognize or check for me. There were also some problems when $hane transfered my verse to the page.... he left some things out, decided to mesh our verses (after i had sent mine to him) and then took the liberty of trying to 'fix' some of the problems in my verse, which made it come off a lil' more choppy (they were small changes... but a small one here, small one there, suddenly the whole flow is different, you know?), in the end.... it wasn't totally what i had written, and i didn't want to blow him up on that... or have to critique something that wasn't my original... (for example, when i say get off my stoop its "my little brothers have to Walk through here" not "talk through here" and the next bar is supposed to end "how the fukk it is we got to here" rather than "got here" little changes like that, here and there, change the work... feel me?

but if you'd like to, feel free to give a little breakdown yourself, and if you decide to... i would ask that you do it for everyone, not just mine.... alot of these kids are just starting to develop styles, and would benefit from different perspectives greatly.

good looks
~IV

[W.I.Z.E.]

For real...I got about half way through this and my ADD kicked in something Fierce. At first I didn't like your verse Shane then it kinda grew on me cuz some of the stuff is really BK. But at the same time that's where it seemed type generic. Like you described BK but nothing different from let's say Mos Def or Foxy. (yeah Foxy).


THe other verses jumped off a f..ing cliff to me and made me bored and angry that I was subjected to such nonsense.

A lot of yall need to take some of the feedback that's been given and REALLY think about whether you should try to rhyme cuz from reading this verse I would say either A.) this is a hobby you should give up or B.) this is something you want to pursue seriously that you should give up.

Now, I've seen ppl. improve before...so this would need DRASTIC improvement to be ight.

<.

In some ways though my vote shouldn't count since I didn't read this whole simplistic compilation of words.

[Invisible Vision]

damn wize..... and while nothing you said is completely untrue, I've always thought that this site was a place where somebody could really try to get into writing....

I mean, when we all started, what if con fu, or black eddie, or any of those old school orange-sohh heads had been like "do you really even like hiphop?"

I'm not gonna say i've never went into somebody's thread and said "this is turrible", because I have. But usually it was something that the kid obviously threw together.... these cats clearly put some effort in, PM'ing each other, settting it up.... and while none of that makes you write a good verse, or have an ear/eye/pen for rhyming... at least it shows a lil' heart. right?

Its not like i'm hurt by your post, because i knew when i was asked to be a part of it, that there was going to be alot of trash involved, alot of throwaway lines.... it was only my hope that a few of these kids would put a line or two out there that i could say "see? this is what you should be trying to do all the time... carry this, work like this" And then its worth something.... the effort it takes to sift through crap is nothing, if you can find somebody their pearl.... feel me?

Now i've done this long enough that when i put a verse down, if somebody says "i'm not feeling this" i say "ok" and keep it moving, and as i've said earlier in this thread... My verse was altered in the process by a new jack who didn't know any better... so I'm not even out here defending what i wrote (assuming you got to it, which you may not have) because I'm not taking my verse all that seriously.....

but these kids are new, and truthfully wouldn't get half this many views or replies if they had dropped a verse on their own... the extra group effort means more views... and... i had hoped, a few decent replies and helpful criticism.... because in the end, knowing you have alot of work ahead of you, knowing the path to improvement, seeing howlong it goes and where it leads.... they will decide with that in mind, whether this is what they really want to do or not...

I didn't attach my name and work to this cuz i "thought it would be a bangin-ass collabo" I did it in hopes that the few cats that recognize me, would come through and help them out a little extra... I don't know these dudes, and have nothing invested, i'm only invested in the OM.

*takes losange*

I didn't mean to get on a soapbox... you know its love and respect out here... but i've been here for over half a decade...

they haven't

~IV

[W.I.Z.E.]

IV you're right but as you know I don't sugar coat things.

My hope honestly is that these guys prove me wrong. But I am VERY passionate about hip hop and truly feel that ANY ONE can post, write, etc. But if you don't do a good job...someone should state that the bar is raised. That's the way I grew up in it. If you was wack you felt it. Rakim was told he wasn't isht. Jay-Z couldn't get a record deal. Now look at them....legends in the came.


If you meant to perservere my stupid words will only motivate. If I'm write...please leave this part of the culture to those that truly appreciate and excel at it.

BTW, you know I respect your work so it wasn't really feedback for you.

[Invisible Vision]

Its all love, and you know I'm down with the angle you're shooting from....


I've always respected real talk


stay up.