Deal With The Devil Pt.II

[theman080]

For those sleepy muthafukkas that missed numero uno...

Pt. I
-----

I devastate rations, strip ya to settle scores and denegrate actions
With heavy hate rations, and medicinal metaphors I medicate masses
Free Agency awaited me, left a caution sign in my wake
A sleeping giant who speaks defiant for ya mind to embrace
I walk the depths of hell to the origin where the fire is traced
Past the liars and snakes and greet the devil with a smile and shake
He's vile wit haste, wants to see if his evil can rival my taste
Past the aisles we race, to the plateau with the iron encased
At the tip we dine on a snake, no longer in denial of the violence we chase
As we decide on our fate and search for the hate to inspire the deed
Sippin on an iodine-arsenic mix and puff on hyrdogen weed
We decide to search for God's Son and beguile the seed
To join up with our cause and bring the fire we need
We meet with the Christ and entice his desire to weave
A new tail or horror and offer an empire to seize
Then he himself lights an L that was burning his dome
Makes a promise of sinister sins that will furnish the throne
We're not the least bit surprised, exchange his word with the blow
Meet up in the underworld to plant the base for our sermons to grow

Pt. II
------

My eyes glistened under the weight of an eternal puppeteer
Directing my retina and aiming my pupils my sermons must appear
At first it was an unwordly passion that had stood as the key
He, as crooked as me, both with the bravado and a look to appease
Our base emotions in which we coasted to the furthest depths of oceans
Attest with focus and bring the most powerful to us closest
I thought the power had freed my mind, but the fire scarred my flesh
I've seen our targets vexed to deaths and than their partner's next
Watched and motivated a genocidal rage me and my former rivals staged
Than stood with an idle gaze as my conscience hit me with title waves
I began drowning in deep depression, enterred a dark endangered range
Felt my heart remain enflamed, --attempt to retreat but it was ceased--
By the dark angel's chains...

I saw the Christ at my side, he offered not a glance
Just struggled with the chains that had hardly tied his hands
I wondered with amazement how they remained attached to flesh
But than a loose knot turned tight and the ropes attacked his chest
They stacked his hex, engulfed his frame than plainly sapped his breath
He struggled for life, skin withered as leaves upon autumns reproach
Coughing and choked until he faded and the darkness arose
I felt an icy thrill and the sound of a bomb, stared down at my palms
A chain covered my wrist and Lucifer eyed me with a frown and a yawn
My former cohort watched with delight as the chains began their deed
Deranged, I stand wih ease without the hope to devote a struggle
My time to attone for trouble as my frame changed from stone to rubble
My eyes opened with a slow tiresome pause, to my surprise the fire was gone
The chain loosened a bit, than continued until the iron was thawed
The cold sensation abandoned I assume this must've been death
My suffering set, but than I found that I hadn't confronted it yet
My scenery changed to meadows in full bloom under the sun
My conscience had begged for a chance, and here God offered me one
A civil war had taken heavan and the night was in heat
He pleaded the fight to be ceased than I knew it was the Christ that he needs
He enticed my misdeeds and beckoned me to thunder their hope
Return to the darkness, and rescue his son from the dungeons of smoke
With that the narrative stopped and I arose from the earth
Scarred from head to toe, but healing from seeing hope at its birth
My resolve had multiplied from its peak at my sins, with ease I begin
My march towards his castle and see the release of his kid
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[W.I.Z.E.]

I really like the effort and the creativity to some extent. The problem is that I feel that you over described and at times forced your flow.


But than a loose knot turned tight and the ropes attacked his chest
They stacked his hex, engulfed his frame than plainly sapped his breath

For some reason lines like this seemed forced.

I was reading an interesting article...actual it's on this site and how GZA was saying he'll describe in 4 lines what others will take 8. That's part of being a good writer as well.


I liked these lines...


Directing my retina and aiming my pupils my sermons must appear
...
My time to attone for trouble as my frame changed from stone to rubble

[Courtdog]

I really like the effort and the creativity to some extent. The problem is that I feel that you over described and at times forced your flow.


But than a loose knot turned tight and the ropes attacked his chest
They stacked his hex, engulfed his frame than plainly sapped his breath

For some reason lines like this seemed forced.

I was reading an interesting article...actual it's on this site and how GZA was saying he'll describe in 4 lines what others will take 8. That's part of being a good writer as well.


I liked these lines...


Directing my retina and aiming my pupils my sermons must appear
...
My time to attone for trouble as my frame changed from stone to rubble





You should up that GZA article cuz I read it too. He was touchin on some real s#it. You should def read it thestan cuz you got alot of AHH all up in ya flow :smoker:

Seriously, you should check that out.... do your job wize ;)

[theman080]

Appreciate the feed, yeah, description aint my best quality but I felt like the second peice needed a change up from the first and I felt like changin it up. And Court, unless your talkin about this flow by itself I don't know how you can say that I've ripped AHH's flow when I switch mine up regularly. Anyway, good to see some input instead of just random one sentence responses, appreciated.

[yaga]

As technically dope as Gza is, yo... description is a must have when you're telling a story like this one. It puts the reader where the story is. Simple as that. I'm not saying you have to be on Tony Morrison's level in every story you write, you just have tell me about where you're taking me.

SIDENOTE: Don't get gassed: SoHH is not a bunch of technical writers reading posts and responding with BS "pointers." We can say when something's hot or not. We just got folks who hold those comments to themselves for personal reasons (LOL)... and that's not taking shots at anyone specifically.

- - -

This was hot. Plot went to a cool place, a lot of hot verbage and sh*t, check it...

"He struggled for life, skin withered as leaves upon autumns reproach
Coughing and choked until he faded and the darkness arose
I felt an icy thrill and the sound of a bomb, stared down at my palms
A chain covered my wrist and Lucifer eyed me with a frown and a yawn"

...thanks for dropping. Much appreciated, duke. We going another 2 rounds or what?! Ha, might be fun.

[Crayon Flux]

This is pretty solid material to me, although it didn't keep my attention all the way through, which is sad - 'cause I wanted to give you a dap on the shoulder.

You should tighten your messages more, like this: "medicinal metaphors I medicate masses". You have a tendency to be long-winded and keep going when you've already made your point.